Behind the Curtain

Some of us are fortunate enough to have fond memories of the idyllic childhood that they were blessed with while others barely have any memories at all aside from ones filled with extreme violence or sadness, or conversations or exposures that somehow imprinted themselves onto our very impressionable minds and still follow us even now. I am the latter.

Don’t worry this writing isn’t going to be just another whiny bitch fest about how Mommy didn’t hug me enough or Stepdaddy touched me in the naughty place so that’s why I’m as fucked up as a soup sandwich because quite frankly no matter how much truth may be in that statement, bitching about it now doesn’t accomplish anything and I’ve worked through all the wounded child stuff in therapy anyway.

And besides, the fucked up part of me that’s left is a helluva lot of fun to play with these days.

So when people ask about the things I really enjoy if I’m truly interested in having them stick around I can’t help but be a bit reluctant to share the whole truth, because past experience has shown me that most people immediately fold and walk away from the table, often before we’ve met face to face and in spite of how well the conversation between us might have been going. The same thing also happens when I share this blog in advance so I’ve stopped doing that altogether unless the intent is to actually make someone lose interest. Sadly, that doesn’t actually seem to work when I most want it to.

When I describe myself with complete transparency I tell my potential suitors that I am like Dexter, in a dress. Minus the killing, of course. I am methodical. I am calculating. I study my partner and learn their every trigger whether it be the kind that scares the bejesus out of them or makes them putty in my hands. I make it my job to learn exactly what kind of ride is the drug of choice for my beloved and I become their dealer.

In turn, I become just as much of an addict and not having access to my drug of desire becomes a most delightfully torturous physical as well as mental ache.

Over the years I have come into my own and have become very skilled at dancing in the darkness even though the reality is that I have about as much rhythm as Elaine from Seinfeld. If I could have given birth to you then there’s a good chance you have no clue what that reference means unless you caught the reruns on Comedy Central but let’s just say she never won any dance contests. In the dark however is where I am most alive, when I am with a willing partner I become a sleek, cold, bloodthirsty predator. One whose arousal increases as she instills fear and inflicts pain on her captive prey. When that flip is switched I’ve been told that my face changes and my eyes flash with a cold detachment even though I still convey amusement and typically carry a sly smile.

A while back I heard the phrase “clit-centric” and it very much describes my nature. You would think at the age of almost 56 years old that my sexual drive would be slowing down yet I have stronger desires these days with no sign of diminishing. When I am with a partner I love nothing more than to have some sort of physical connection on a daily basis, with my satisfaction being paramount. Extended teasing and denial is a favorite game and I adore pegging to the point of anal orgasms. One of the things I would really like to explore in the future is Tantra and I also want to get back into hypnosis once I’ve entered into a dedicated relationship again. The thought of being able to suddenly elicit a spontaneous and knee buckling orgasm from my partner while standing in the middle of a crowded dinner party simply by whispering the word “conundrum” in a particularly salacious manner is wildly entertaining to me.

All of that being said, I suppose to most this would read as very self centered on my behalf. But before anyone jumps to any conclusions I want you to understand that in all of this what matters to me MOST is my partner’s happiness and satisfaction. Their experience. Them reaching their own personal Nirvana, whatever that might mean.

To one, that might be subspace. To another, that might mean full body orgasms. To someone else, a sense of connection and belonging. It is my job as a partner and lover to find meaning behind and within all of this and to use everything I’ve learned over the last 37 years in the lifestyle to make sure that they feel safe, secure and valued no matter how extreme the acts themselves may become. I will hurt you, I will never harm you.

It took me a long time to reconcile my sadistic nature with my empathic side. It made absolutely no sense to me how I could love someone deeply yet harbor such intense desires to have them taste their own blood on my lips as they kiss me. I would literally beat my beloved until their eyes were rolling into the back of their head and then drag their body onto my bed and tenderly cuddle them and purr how proud of them I was as I stroked their hair and they slowly came back to me….

And then we would have incredibly hot, passionate, animalistic sex that left us both sweaty and satiated.

I’ll admit it takes a special kind of man to be able to navigate the waters I swim in. My heart has an endless capacity to love, but has never been able to completely trust. From childhood I was taught that even those who were supposed to hold you most dear were capable of betrayal if it served their own agenda and so I’ve never had the luxury of being able to free fall into the arms of another knowing that I was safe and taken care of. As a result, I have spent my entire lifetime loving those within my heart deeply and without reservation or judgement but not once have I ever given anyone the opportunity to love me in kind.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be able to trust someone so implicitly that I could occasionally set my armor down and simply be. The thought of being able to close my eyes and immerse myself into the directive of another without boundary is so completely foreign to me, but fascinating nonetheless. Over the years I’ve always spent so much time nurturing the experience for those I cared about and making sure that they reached their destination safely yet I have never experienced that high myself.

And perhaps I never will.

But the thought of being able to love so deeply and trust so completely makes tears fall down my face as I write this.

As a 20 year old I saw the movie Labyrinth and the Goblin King played by David Bowie told his protagonist Sara “I ask for so little. Just let me rule you and you can have everything you want. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave.” This scene has always resonated with me because even though I am the one wearing the bitchy boots and therefore the designated D I am always in charge whether it be within scene or my day to day. I am a slave to my own obligations and high standards even if those around me do not reciprocate. Loneliness has been my almost constant companion over these last few years and at times she’s done her best to turn my aching heart bitter, but instead I’ve chosen to work on self. Peace has replaced turmoil. Patience is a newfound friend.

I have no idea what the future may hold for me but I know it isn’t filled with all things vanilla and watching myself deteriorate from boredom. And perhaps instead of relinquishing my armor, maybe one day I will know what it is like to be loved so completely that I feel comfortable enough to set it aside and simply be…even if only for a moment.

Meat Cute – A Kinky Love Story

It’s amazing how life can be catapulted from stagnant to amazing in the blink of an eye with just a few seemingly minor occurrences. A random drop of water leads to a trickle which runs into a widening stream and suddenly the floodgates have opened and I am bathing wholly in my feminine glory to an extent that I haven’t ever been able to explore, and here I sit trying to properly capture the wonder of it all.

Recently my close friend Maxine had mentioned she was going out to the local Kink Club, and I responded I’d be interested in going. That night ended a very long dry spell for both of us as neither of us had scened in years, but we both had a fantastic time and it continued on subsequent evenings that we attended. Around the same time I had started becoming somewhat active again on Fetlife after basically abandoning my profile for years.

It was through Fetlife that I was contacted by an intriguing 31 year old, 6’4 gender fluid body modification artist named J that had recently moved to town and didn’t know anyone in the lifestyle. We started a conversation and I found him to be very respectful and easy to talk to and we made plans to meet for coffee which ended up getting completely waylaid and became a trip shopping for corsets and sex toys with Maxine. When we finally made it back to my home Maxine went home and it was past midnight before I reluctantly kicked J out as I had to work the next day.

During a visit to the kink club I had asked the owner of the club if guys were into being pegged there as that is one of my favorite activities, and she mentioned that there was an upcoming FemDomme night and she could set up a small demo. I said “Great! Count me in!” Apparently I need to pay better attention to how I word things with her as unbeknownst to me I had just agreed to be the presenter of the demo, which I didn’t realize until the day before the event.

Immediately I contacted Maxine and asked her to be my bottom for the demo (she is trans and pegging is an amazing sensation for anyone with a prostate) and as she had been in full blown slut mode from the previous several weeks activities; she readily agreed. I advised her I wanted to use her in an objectification scene – simply meaning that she was to be there as a receptacle for my cock with me not giving any particular concern or attention to whether or not she was getting any pleasure out of the activity. This sort of scenario is particularly appealing to her so I knew it wouldn’t be an issue and we set plans in motion. I then contacted J and advised him of what I’d discovered and let him know if he wanted to be a part of the demo he was more than welcome to join in, as he was attending the club with us for the first time the following evening.

The demo with Maxine went flawlessly. She was wearing a full facial shield and was completely disconnected going into the scene and I bound her to the table face down by leather wrist and ankle cuffs and proceeded to rip a hole through her fishnets and fuck her roughly to multiple silent orgasms while spectators looked on. When I was through with her I released her from the table and hugged her and made sure she was okay, and looked at J to see if he was willing to take her place.

Much to my surprise, he was.

Up until this point he and I had only hugged. He is over a foot taller than I am with long slender legs, is covered in tattoos and has horn implants and a disarmingly gentle and somewhat shy demeanor. He was wearing a tight black body suit and a lace full head mask that covered his entire face aside from his mouth. With J I took a softer approach and had him lay on his back as I started probing him gently with my lubed and gloved fingers; my eyes locked on his through the lace as I was doing so. I filled my shooter full of lube and slid it into him and stroked my cock as I was searching his eyes for signs that he was ready and then slowly started pushing into him. Once I’d gained initial entrance I stayed still and he moved his hips to accommodate me fully and I watched his eyes roll back into his head as his mouth let out a soft moan. We started to move together and I leaned forward and whispered “Hey – I guess this means we’ll be doing this again?” To which he immediately started nodding his head and replied “Oh yeah!”

I pulled him on top of me and had him riding me and for a moment forgot that we were surrounded by an audience. I told him we would continue privately and so we ended the scene without an orgasm but having made a very profound and unexpected connection.

J ended up spending the weekend with me and what started off as completely platonic (aside from the demo) very quickly evolved into something quite unexpected for both of us. I found that this beautiful, gentle creature with the somewhat startling visage harbors one of the kindest and most sensitive hearts I’ve met in a very long time. Time and time again I would catch myself staring deeply into his soft brown eyes and dreading the moment he had to leave. Somehow in spite of the fact that all of this seems crazy on paper; together we are as fluid as water. Somehow, quite by accident my perfect dance partner found me.

His smile is radiant, and genuine. His laugh comes from his belly and his love is free flowing and protective at the same time. He doesn’t want to change a single thing about me and finds my impulsive nature fun and has easily adapted to sudden changes in plans.

Sex between two such open beings creates an endless amount of delicious combinations, and we spend hours upon hours in a naked, heated tangle exploring each other. Previously he had only been able to enjoy certain activities solo and these days has discovered that sensuality shared is immeasurably more pleasurable. For the last several years I’ve been primarily solo and had all but locked much of my own sexuality away so all of this has also been an incredible reawakening for me – between coming back to the lifestyle as well as this new relationship and nurturing it to see exactly where it leads, becoming a stronger Sadist to Maxine and becoming sexually active again, it’s all been extremely heady.

They say good things come to those who wait, and you can’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes…you get what you need. I thought I knew what I wanted and needed. It turns out that perhaps I didn’t have all of the answers after all.

I’m perfectly OK with that.

Connection starts between the ears – discovering hypnosis.

Years ago I had a wonderful and very intense relationship with my late submissive J, (no – I didn’t do anything to hasten his demise) that had developed into a hypnotic connection. I was in my early 20’s and he 17 years older and a vast majority of our relationship developed and was conducted over the phone. There was such a close bond that we discovered I could talk him off – make him orgasm – without him ever touching himself. All it took was a certain tone in my voice and me speaking to him in a positive, reinforcing manner to make it happen.

Our relationship was one that started out as a professional one through phone sex and turned into a deep friendship that had developed over many years. He was married and slept nude and was also a heavy ejaculator with a very strong sex drive and prone to having wet dreams. Playful, teasing humiliation was the drug that kept him deeply enamored.

As he was always very good at following directions he never went against my wishes when I instructed him to edge himself but not cum. It frustrated him immensely and I found an intense level of joy in inflicting a certain amount of discomfort within him because it kept him poised and attentive at all times.

He was a trial lawyer and constantly surrounded by the upper echelon in his field. He also never wore underwear and would drip heavily when aroused and had a beautifully thick cock that was impossible to hide when awakened. He had a serious addiction to my voice and my teasing cruelty and the fact that I loved to put him in compromising positions; so he would often stealth away from dinner parties and company to sneak a quick call to me. It was during those moments I would tell him in great detail all of the awful things that I was going to do to him, often threatening to cuckold him and turn him into my sweet little cocksucker and clean up boy. The suggestions that absolutely horrified him the most were also the ones that turned him on the greatest and I absolutely loved putting on an icy tone and telling him exactly how I would make these scenarios happen. Over the years we had fallen in love and his addiction to our lifestyle and subspace and the release it offered intensified and he would struggle to maintain his professional composure while his body readily betrayed it’s need. I very much enjoyed playing the Puppetmaster in our little games, and we played them frequently.

Over time I discovered that while he was sitting in his office at work, with one hand on the phone and the other on his desk, I could send him into great, convulsive messy orgasms that would immediately soak through his suit and he would then have to McGuyver his way to change. He once tried to sneak out of his office and had a room full of people nearby so went to the adjoining kitchen and “dumped” a jar of mayonnaise on his lap to cover up his shame. I was hysterical laughing at his description.

I could also instruct that he wasn’t to masturbate to orgasm for a period of time, and he would not have any wet dreams for x amount of days. Or he would have one on this particular night or two this night. It used to particularly entertain me to instruct them to happen when he was sleeping beside his wife as he always had such a big mess to clean up while trying not to wake her.

Up until my most recent relationship that ended this past July I had not played with hypnosis at all, but when my previous partner expressed an interest in it I did take some online classes and found I could put her under as well. It was really nice to know that having that type of connection with someone was still possible and it is certainly one I would like to explore again.

While I do love to use the various toys and implements at my disposal there is absolutely nothing more powerful to me than holding my beloved captive with the binds that I’ve instilled within their own mind.

I truly believe that a whisper can hold more power than a whip ever will.

Sweetly Sadistic. Is It an Oxymoron?

It’s funny (not funny ha ha but more funny disappointing) how during this arduous search for my one I’ve come across so many that seem to only want to communicate with certain parts of me.

I’ve had those that are simply looking to be owned, under the harshest of circumstances. Kept as a full time servant and beaten with regularity, treated as a thing and given no kindness.

Others that wish to be kept as a cuckold husband in chastity, with only their mouths and holes being used for pleasure by myself or those I choose. My husband would happily support me having as many lovers as I choose while he is kept chaste.

I’ve been approached by people bragging about being “K-9 bitch boys” and wanting to eat shit on cam and pay me to watch them do it. Even though it states on my profile specifically that if either of those two things are mentioned, they will get blocked. No passing go. No collecting $200. The block button has been a good friend as of late. I could literally retire and spend my days creating my art and beating boys to my hearts content and live very well without ever having to punch a clock ever again, if I chose to do so.

I’ve even been approached by people asking for me to eventually “end” them. Now, I do describe myself sometimes as Dexter without the killing but honestly, why would I want to do something like that? I’m fascinated by fear play and taking my partner to the edge over and over again and that takes a tremendous amount of trust. I don’t break my toys. I will hurt you, I’ll never harm you. That being said I did get a very enticing offer recently to castrate someone though his request and my option were completely different. I am not a surgeon and have no desire to cut someone open, but I did find this handy device and it is now in my collection.

I ask people who are interested in me to read this blog, simply because it gives folks that are seriously interested in me an opportunity to get a peek into how I navigate my world. Activities that the Muggles would be horrified by; I simply refer to as “Because it’s Tuesday”. Yes, I do very much enjoy extremely dark activities, but I counterbalance that with my day to day. My home is bright and cheerful. I do volunteer work including making life castings for friends with family members in Hospice. Eventually I hope to be able to buy a piece of land and rescue animals and foster, with a special interest in elderly dogs. I work in a corporate setting but my true love is art and my professional goal is to be able to transition myself into a full time artist; and be able to offer my Hospice life castings on a more consistent basis.

My biggest personal goal is to get back on track in regards to my physical fitness. While I do walk daily during my lunch break at work and work out three mornings a week before work I’ve done really well in a very regimented workout and meal plan in the past and wish to get back into it; but it’s hard to get motivated to do it alone.

I’m fully aware this blog entry is quite the snoozer compared to a lot of the others but it’s important that potential suitors recognize and speak to me as a whole person. I’m way more than the Sadist who gets off on hearing her lover scream. I’m not just the kinky chick that enjoys bending her man over on a regular and pounding him with her fat cock that she wears with nothing but a t-shirt on the weekends. Nor the future wife that will keep him naked in front of her girlfriends and let them fuck him mercilessly as well when she’s feeling particularly generous. I read a profile recently and the gentleman stated he was looking for a woman who was “clit-centric” and that very much describes me. I generally refer to it as a girlie boner and as I typically masturbate on a daily basis, servicing me would become part of the routine because when the girlie boner gets activated; I’m like a teenage boy. The whole fucking world stops until I have an orgasm. That could mean a variety of things to my partner from mouth to the use of his cock, or I could strap on mine and happily fill him while continuing to work myself up and figure out the end result later, which may or may not include an orgasm for him.

Oh yeah. I do enjoy tease and denial. I also enjoy playing around with chastity but haven’t had much of an opportunity to explore there.

My point is this: it’s the full package, or it’s nothing. I’m the one who wants someone by her side for all of the mundane day to day that a full time relationship/marriage requires as well as all of the depravity that the kink side encompasses. With me, there is no singular way, I enjoy sex, sensuality and sadism in all of it’s many forms and I’m happy to explore these with the right person. I’m not seeking my right now, I’m searching for the total package, who wants a total package as well.

It’s not all about me, it’s about balance. It’s about finding the perfect dance partner who is confident and capable enough to slay the dragons but who also finds solace at the feet of his partner. I want to be his biggest supporter, the person he relies on for strength and comfort, love and pain. The one who breaks him; and the one who rebuilds. My world is full of laughter and love but is also colored with darkness and depravity and I have been very successful with being able to fluidly travel within it’s various nuances. I am the woman who would accompany you to a stuffy corporate awards meeting and would be smiling deviously as you’re taking the podium to speak in front of hundreds of people; because my finger would be poised on the remote control that is connected to the large bluetooth enabled plug that is firmly positioned inside your rectum awaiting discharge. At every moment of every day you would be aware of who you were to me, and how very cherished and valued and owned you are.

Oh and one final goal I’d like to mention. I’ve had several people tell me they think I should write a book, but as I literally have the attention span of a fruit fly I’d need someone to help me stay on track. I’ve found the perfect device to help me do this, now I just need a volunteer to build a more comfortable (for me) and slightly modified for writing version and who is willing and able to be in this position for hours at a time.

Interested parties, please feel free to contact me.

Whispers From a Past Life

Recently a new friend stumbled across some of my old writings from 2008, and mentioned how much he enjoyed them. I thought I would share them here as they are still very much the person I am today.



I am yours to do with as you wish, he said.

Perhaps he realized the depths of his words, but I choose to think he did not. Though he had seen her play harshly with others; all he knew of her was the light hearted spirit she had shown him…the nurturing, caring woman who always asked how his day went, and expressed concern when things weren’t going so well.

Now it was his turn in the chains.

He greeted her naked, as he was instructed to do. Soon enough she had him cuffed and chained to the bed, and made it a point to let him know that there was no way to escape his restraints. He saw a wicked smile upon her face that until that point; had only been reserved for others.

Though she was kind in feeding her need…she still made him repeatedly cry out in pain….yet made sure to inflict gentle kisses upon him as well as to nurse the life into his aching cock..confusing his body as she had his mind. Lowering herself upon his chained hand, she showed him the arousal that his discomfort brought to her and praised him for how well he had suffered for her.

She will feed his needs….as he feeds hers….a sharp smack, a hand held at the throat, a rough fuck….the lines are blurred and the hunger grows….



I’ve never really given any serious consideration into why I am the way I am and what motivates me to participate in activities that the majority of the population would consider at the very least; distasteful. I’ve always been pretty accepting of the fact that even though I look like the girl next door I am quite simply not everyone’s cup of tea. I’m okay with that. I don’t want to be like everyone else. My fantasies are dark and twisted; as is the secret but incredibly satisfying life I lead.

Meeting you has been a bit of a re-introduction to self. I look at you and wonder what motivates you to do the things you do. To trust me so deeply that you would let me take you along this path. I look at me and wonder how I can crave you as I do; aching to satisfy a hunger inside myself that you have reawakened. Having a full comprehension of the way I feel about you I know that part of me should feel guilty…you say you will never be the type of person to ask to be hurt; yet I’ve seen it happen to the strongest of people; time and time again. Weakness in character does not allow someone to offer themselves the way you do. If things continue in the direction they are headed the need to submit will overwhelm the desire to please and inevitably; you will find yourself aching to be broken. The stresses of the week, the voices in your head and the anxiety in your gut will eventually only be calmed by the intense release that I have introduced you to. No amount of sex, cigarettes, liquor or other vices will be able to satisfy it. I should feel guilty; but I don’t. I know you no longer take things lightly but love; we’ve barely scratched the surface.

I see bruises that fade after a couple of days…I long for them to last for weeks. My teeth bruise your skin…sometimes I fantasize about kissing you deeply and letting you taste your own blood. I want to trace needles upon your skin, and make you watch as I shove them through and then lower my mouth to soothe the wound. I am patient, and I would never abuse the incredible gift you’ve given me…but I will make you want it. I will get into you so deeply that your need is as deep, and dark and complex as mine. My love for you allows me to share Her with you, because I know…no matter what transpires between us…you will always forgive me. Your pain brings me peace. Your trust brings me freedom. Your love fills my heart…and your gift satisfies my soul.

You always hurt the one you love. Truer words were never spoken, even if the sentiment was not intended as it applies to me. Yes, I will take all that you offer me…and a little bit more than you think you can give. on Dec. 16, 2008

Just call me Mantis. Tess for short.

Because apparently I mate and then there’s the messy business of a beheading that follows. The truly bizarre thing to me is that I *DO* come with a disclaimer, and a warning. Multiple in fact. This blog being the biggest one as it’s a requirement that anyone who wants to come see me read this before they even consider riding the ride. No exceptions.

In spite of all efforts, finding my one has thus far proven fruitless. I’ve had three come here to visit me with high hopes and clean STI panels, and all three have left with their proverbial hats in hand.

Right before he arrived he mentioned he had just quit smoking two packs a day and vaped daily.

Over the phone Tennessee though young at 31 was very sweet, easy to talk to and felt very comfortable. He worked in a very intense atmosphere but never seemed to get flustered no matter what happened and I really admired how he kept cool under pressure. Around a month after we started talking he had mentioned he had GERD and I asked him if there was anything else he hadn’t mentioned and that’s when he off handedly disclosed he had full dentures. I was completely taken off guard by the news but by that time really liked him and didn’t want to be so shallow that I rejected him due to this, so didn’t change plans even though I was a bit put off by the news. He also had hundreds of hours of vacation time saved up that he would cash out if he moved, so he would have been able to get implants after relocation.

The reality of it was that he vaped every chance he had, also had failed to disclose he had Asperger’s which I discovered when he had a complete meltdown while trying to back up my truck with a trailer in tow and burped non-stop because of the GERD. Additionally not only did he have a full set of dentures but he would come out of the bedroom and sit on the couch with his face half sunken in because he wasn’t wearing them and oftentimes they would not be maintained properly. All of this coupled with the fact that I was constantly going behind him shutting doors and cabinets and he was hugely into cartoons and video games felt like way too much of a project.

Next was New York. Really sharp, outgoing and congenial. Married but living in two homes because they’d been separated for several years and shared responsibility of their children. Right before he arrived he mentioned he had sensitivities to fragrance and asked me not to wear perfume or deodorant. Upon arrival that turned into “I’m really turned on by primal scents so I would strongly prefer if you don’t bathe for a day before I come or while I’m here.” Which then turned into “I’m so looking forward to waking up to you without makeup tomorrow.”

When we went to run errands the next day I put a bit of makeup on and he expressed his disappointment. Multiple times. I advised him I had heard his preference but I was going to go out in the manner I felt comfortable and he was unhappy about my decision but left it alone.

All in all we had three things that completely killed all chances. I’ve made it very clear that I am into penetrative sex, both giving and receiving. Turns out that his penis didn’t work for that particular duty unless you were being extremely degrading towards him.

I do not speak to people using the particular style of humiliation/degradation he needed, and the only way he could use that particular body part in that manner was when he was being spoken to like that. That would have been a deal killer up front had it been disclosed.

He also passed gas loudly and with enthusiasm from arrival, without bothering to be even mildly discreet about it. When I brought it up his response was “What? It’s just air. It doesn’t stink! Does it stink?!?” As if that made it all okay. Meanwhile I half expected him to be able to actually launch himself across the room considering the velocity it sounded like he was pushing at times.

Finally, he hadn’t disclosed to his wife that he was interested in starting a relationship with someone across country and she made it crystal clear she would not be cooperative with making arrangements when it came time to assist with taking care of the needs of the children.

After dealing with the shameful dick and incessant flatulance situations, I wasn’t unhappy that his wife decided to put the hammer down.

Finally, there’s New Hampshire. He was convinced that I was the one he had been waiting for his entire life, and mentioned a wedding ring several times. I found him incredibly intense and his energy frequently overbearing, and told him so multiple times.

I am an intense person during play, but outside of play I’m an extroverted introvert who mostly keeps to herself and can happily spend entire weekends alone and lost in my art. I don’t need every moment filled with noise or chatter and when conflicts arise I sometimes need a little time to process before jumping into the subject at hand. He and I had numerous discussions about these things as I felt it could be problematic but he was convinced that all he needed was patience and a little training and we’d be good to go. Against my better judgement we made arrangements for him to come in.

Wednesday night at 9:30 I met him at the airport, and handed him a shooter filled with lube that I had tucked in my boot. He had been instructed not to speak to me until given permission and he disappeared into the bathroom with the shooter and to install the remote anal plug I’d instructed him to purchase. I turned it on and we hopped in my truck.

I was wearing a long skirt and was wearing my strap on with my most slender cock underneath, and showed it to him in the truck. He pulled out the three he had purchased for the trip, all of a shorter stature due to physical limitations he had regarding length. According to what he had disclosed to me anything deeper than what he brought would put him in excruciating pain so he brought those for us to play with but the ring I was wearing on my harness allowed all three of them to easily slip through. I put my original cock back in play and once getting on the expressway instructed him to show me what a good little cocksucker he was; a task he enthusiastically started performing.

Once we arrived in my home I introduced him to my dog, a rescue pit and we moved to my bedroom where I had him set up my massage table. I instructed him to strip and he semi enthusiastically massaged me, it was late and neither of us had slept well the night before so we ended up having sex and crawling into bed.

After laying there for a few minutes he jumped up and my dog repositioned himself, NH as a stranger in the dark tried to push my dog and was rewarded with a quick snap to the face. Luckily there was no broken skin but it was an unexpected and uncomfortable situation for all.

At around 5:30 AM I woke up to him letting my dog out of the room and when I questioned him he said “I’m going to harass you for a little bit.” I told him he’d been doing that all night and when he asked what I meant I stated he’d been restless, jerking covers, running his hand up my leg repeatedly and the room was freezing due to me turning on a window AC for him that I typically only use as a supplement during the worst of the summer. He asked if I wanted him to go to the other room and I said yes and then went back to sleep.

When I woke up a few hours later still exhausted and grouchy I made coffee for us. He wanted to talk and I reminded him what I’d mentioned before he arrived, I’m not a morning person and sometimes (like this one) I need time to process things. He left me alone for a while but then came back again, wanting to broach the subject.

He eventually came around to the question “Do you want me here or not?” and I honestly answered at that moment, no. That my concerns prior to arrival were confirmed and I felt that energetically we were very different, that we clashed. We were very different people and I thought we could perhaps be friends but didn’t see a future for us. He admitted he thought the same but he liked me and was attracted to me and thought we could still have a good time and I told him I’m seeking a lifetime, not just a good time. A couple of times he repeated “I was just trying to be a gentleman.” (By asking that question.)

He was disappointed by my answer, but it was an honest one.

I dropped him back off at the airport shortly thereafter and his parting words to me were “It didn’t have to be this way. All my friends warned me. You’re alone for a reason, because you want to be.”

I just told him “Whatever you need to tell yourself to feel better” and got in my truck and came home. Having him in my space was quite literally the equivalent of how a cat must feel when it is being stroked backward. Initially it was acceptable but upon realizing the situation was just going to continue; the sensation felt unbearable. While overall he was a nice guy, he was simply overwhelming to me energetically. He lasted all of 15 hours.

Yes I am alone because currently I choose to be, until I find someone that is going to fill my cup without causing me to sacrifice a piece of myself in the process. Someone who makes me laugh even though I bring him to tears and who loves me unconditionally even though his pain and suffering will be my sustenance.

I am in search of my final love, not simply my next one and when I find him he will be cherished and loved with the blood bound devotion that I’ve never been able to freely share with anyone. In spite of my disappointments I still hold onto the glimmer of hope that he’s searching for me, and so I continue to try to keep an open heart and the Sadist quiet until she is free to feed.

I owe myself that much.

Dating When Kinky – Let’s Just Complicate Matters, Shall We?

Being in the dating scene these days is crazy enough, but try being a curvy teal haired 53 year old with a taste for blood and a strap on named Thor and things can get a bit tricky.

While I would absolutely love for a dashing gentleman around my age to come sweep me off my feet; it simply hasn’t happened. The ones who are even remotely interested in me are either married, in a different country, look like they are about to keel over dead, or have about as much personality as the sponge that sits by my kitchen sink.

I’ve had a dating profile on a kink site for a while and at this point have probably conversed with a couple of hundred people. For the most part the conversation ends pretty quickly as I have a tendency to be rather dismissive if I’m not interested, or I’ll simply send them this blog and that usually makes them realize that they probably would rather not end up in a hypnotic trance and screwed to my butterfly board with inescapable metal banding in the middle of my art room while I staple up their fancy bits with medical staples. (Yes that has happened and eventually I’ll end up posting about it.)

And then along comes this tall drink of water from Tennessee popping in. He’d sent me a message back in March that I’d initially ignored and he was back again. This time I replied as his profile and contacts had a sweetness about them and I had recently been feeling particularly jaded. In this case timing was everything and his response was warm and friendly without being pushy.

We quickly moved to KiK and then text. Shortly thereafter we were on the phone. You could tell he was nervous but he politely answered all of my questions and seemed genuinely interested in knowing all about me. I’d pointed him in the direction of the blog and he was actually more curious than intimidated which was quite surprising for someone with limited experience. I kept thinking I should throw him back for being “too little” but there was something that kept drawing me back to him. The conversations flowed effortlessly and for the first time in a really long time I felt like a priority to someone who while technically still a stranger; had already started to become a significant part of my day and I found myself looking forward to speaking with him. When bringing up the age difference he just laughed and asked what the big deal was? (He’s 31) “Guys do it all the time.” I honestly had nothing in response.

Popping in on him on video chat for the first time I’d caught him off guard as he’d recently woken up. He works overnights and his hair was tousled, his big brown eyes were sleepy and all I could focus on was this:

Holy shit, what an intoxicating combination. His shy, sweet smile and slightly nervous fidgeting and that mouth. That mouth that I could kiss for days. That full bottom lip that I want to bite into as I feel him quickly suck in his breath.

I’ve explained what would be expected from him if we were to enter into a relationship and he were to move here. I am very open about who I am without slamming everyone over the head with it; but friends, family and coworkers would automatically know he was not just my partner but my submissive. We would function as a couple and enjoy the regular mundane relationship activities but he would have a regular chore list to take care of around our home and yard. He would learn how to cook, as that isn’t a skill he currently possesses. He would maintain his full time job and contribute to the household financially while maintaining his own accounts separately. Massaging me and grooming my hair would become a regular part of his routine.

He has a very profound foot fetish and knows that I will use that to my best advantage; not only would I be getting foot massages as frequently as possible but I would make his massage skills available to any of my girlfriends who wanted to put him to use as well. (With the explanation to them in advance that it is a fetish for him, I wouldn’t not disclose that information.) Additionally, he would be kept locked in chastity and the key worn around my neck and in plain sight at all times, until such time as I released him for use. His mouth would be available to me at all times with the current expectation being that I would be serviced nightly and can hopefully finally unplug the damn Hitachi that has been a staple beside my bed for almost two years. (If it doesn’t happen soon I swear I’m starting a class action suit for all of us who have ground our clits off from this particular apparatus!) He would be taught to take my strap on both orally and anally and that would also become a regular part of our play. Bruises and markings are not an issue and if all goes well, eventually he would wear my collar.

Next weekend he is meeting up with a girlfriend of mine who lives nearby so she can give me her first hand impression of him, and he has readily agreed to provide me a recent STI screening and I’ve been provided all of his information for his background check.

I know that a lot of this sounds extremely one sided, but I can assure you that it is not. He is extremely service oriented and we have openly discussed everything that I’ve discussed here, with input from him as well and he has freely and without coercion agreed to all of it if we reach that stage as what I’ve described perfectly aligns with what he has also been seeking. When I am in a relationship I am completely invested and go above and beyond to make sure that my partner gets everything they need out of it as well, and I don’t sit idly by while they do all of the heavy lifting. While the play is intense I also take great care to put my partner back together afterward. Additionally, I am in search of a legitimate relationship built on a deep and committed love and mutual respect who’s company I can truly enjoy both in and out of the bedroom. While it remains to be seen if he is the one who will step into that role, it has certainly been wonderful soaking in everything I can about him, and hearing my name spoken in that soft southern drawl. My wicked little heart is blissfully happy these days at whatever the future may hold, even if it’s just that I’ve found a beautiful new friend.

OK that’s a total lie. I’d be PROFOUNDLY disappointed if there was no in-person chemistry but considering as much time as we’ve spend communicating including video-chat I think we’ll be fine.

Meanwhile if it does all work out I’ll have to hear my Mother chastise me about playing with children yet again. (The ex was 16 years younger and the ex ex was 10 years younger.) While I can appreciate the fact that she dearly wishes I would find someone with an AARP card, unfortunately Jeffrey Dean Morgan is taken and Sam Elliot stopped returning my calls.

Maybe in the next lifetime, Ma. Stay tuned…

A Fresh Start and a New Perspective.

I broke my own rule. Badly. I PROMISED myself that after my almost nine relationship with C ended I would never settle for “almost” again. Yet I did.

In all fairness, I’m glad I did because had I not there are some significant things that transpired over the last year and a half that likely would have never occurred; but in my heart of hearts by last April when things initially went tits up I knew we were doomed and no matter how much superglue and duct tape was applied there was no real chance of it being more than a seasonal thing. Still, I’m incredibly stubborn and an eternal optimist so I ignored all of the warning signs and kept moving forward because when things worked they were nothing short of magical.

As a direct result of us being together I became proactive with my health. (Yes I just turned 53 but I don’t have all the normal aches and pains you’d normally associate with growing older and despise going to Doctors.) I fell in love with my art again and work on it almost daily. I started writing as she is a voracious reader and have actually recently considered writing a book as I’ve had multiple requests for one. I’m about to be on a podcast because of becoming active in the lifestyle again. I finally stopped suppressing the darker side of me and embraced the Sadist within; accepting that I can still be the loving, nurturing person I am and let her feed as well and I became sober. None of these things are insignificant and I shall always be grateful for having her in my life, even if it didn’t last.

That being said, I find myself in search for My One. If interested in this position there are some requirements I am looking for. Some that are absolutely non negotiable, and some things that are a bit more fluid that can be discussed.

You must be single. I truly tried being part of a poly relationship for a year and a half and it absolutely didn’t work for me. I even considered perhaps getting a primary for myself (I was mono the entire time) and maintaining the original relationship as a way to keep it going but after a lot of soul searching have decided to abandon that option. I simply don’t have the time or emotional capacity to devote myself to more than one relationship.

You must be an exceptional communicator, especially when the subject is uncomfortable. Consistency in communication and transparency are incredibly important to me. Half truths and omitting pertinent details because you’re afraid of what my reaction could be may as well be considered lies in my eyes because to me; they count as such. A relationship such as what I seek can only be built on absolute trust and we have to be able to trust each other implicitly and without reservation. Even if you are afraid of my reaction to bad or uncomfortable news you need to know that typically I might want to have an extended conversation to try to get a better understanding about the subject or I may need some time to quietly process and reflect before discussing. I’m not one who yells, insults or flies off the handle unless pushed excessively for an extended period of time. I also do not play or punish when angry.

Before ANY play or fluid exchange of any kind occurs, you must provide a recent and clear STD panel. I have one on hand and expect one from my future partner, no exceptions.

If you are not local to the Jacksonville, Florida area you must be willing and able to relocate within a reasonable amount of time. We can discuss whether or not you would live in my home but if you do as I am fully set up you would be expected to arrive with minimal belongings and no pets. (I am allergic to cats and have a currently not new animal friendly rescue pit and we’re working with a trainer but he’s not there yet.) You would need to be service oriented and would contribute financially to the home.

Your credit profile would be provided to me so I can see how financially responsible you are. I am in banking and am fully self supporting but absolutely will not pay your bills (nor do I want you paying mine beyond what we mutually agree upon in advance should you move in with me) and it is important to me that anyone who joins my house shows personal responsibility for their finances. Years ago I lost everything that I had and literally had to start over from nothing after having worked extremely hard to build my credit. Issues with medical bills and one off situations happen; we can discuss those.

Mental and physical issues and limitations must be discussed early on in the getting to know you stages. Within the last two months it was determined I was dealing with depression and I am currently (and for the first time in my life) on Lexapro and will be talking to my Doctor about weaning off of it shortly as it appears the need for it has passed. I’m not one who typically has extreme mood swings at all and am known for having a consistent demeanor.

I am a Sadist. If you absolutely hate pain but feel you would be an absolutely amazing fit otherwise; please move on as it would be a waste of time for us both. From my personal ad:

I’m very sweet, kind and nurturing but when it comes time to play I play hard, and I feed deeply. I’m not for the faint of heart. I will tear you to pieces but when the storm is over I will love you back together.

Your screams, bruises, tears and anguish are all aphrodisiacs to me. I enjoy everything from sensory deprivation to confinement to strap on play to blood play and if we were in a relationship you will be passed amongst my friends for their enjoyment as well. You would be my most prized possession but would be subject to whatever thought amuses me at any given time.

I’m only interested in someone who is proactive and doesn’t need a micromanager. I’m an incredibly giving person and am looking for someone who’s presence will be a benefit to my life as I plan to be to theirs. I am also very much affected by energy so am looking for someone who is positive, happy and proactive in leading a productive and healthy yet extremely kinky life with someone who adores you but also who has absolutely no problem smiling sweetly at you as she is licking your blood off of her lips.

Expounding on that as intense as I am during play, I am also extremely down to earth, playful and loving. I work a corporate job and am an artist as well, and have a very free spirited goofy side to counter the constantly responsible part of me that is always present. I’m a hopeless romantic who loves nothing more than an Alpha man who is willing to be vulnerable for me and still have hopes that he is out there somewhere.

If you’re still reading this and feel as if you’d like to throw your hat in the ring; I’d love to chat with you. I have a passport and a strong desire for adventure and am ready to start building a life with my Happily Ever After.

On the Other Side of Fear

So much has happened since the last blog entry. Much of it has been amazing but as always life has thrown some pretty significant curve balls just to keep things interesting.

I’ll come back and catch you all up on some of the stories that I’ve been remiss in posting but for now I’d like to FasTrack up to present day:

Muse and I reconciled. We laid out some boundaries that have been very effective in helping with our relationship and we’ve grown exponentially as a couple.

I stopped drinking altogether. As of this writing next week it will be six months since I’ve had any alcohol.

At the end of June Muse came to stay with me for almost two weeks and we had an AMAZING visit. After she left I came to a realization that hit me so hard it’s still affecting us to this day and I’m trying to work through it.

It’s no secret that I came into a poly relationship very strongly identifying as a mono. When I’m in a relationship I’m completely and totally with that person and that person alone. (Random party favors during play to me don’t count and are agreed upon by all parties.) It’s also no secret that Muse is a very unique individual and takes up a lot of space. I never in a million years thought that I would be interested nor could I honestly handle a full time relationship with her and over the last year and half (ish) had fallen into a comfortable routine of seeing her when time allowed; which is averaging every other weekend these days.

When she stayed with me, suddenly we had time. It wasn’t just a weekend filled with play but we were actually able to function as a couple. Nothing was rushed and for the first time in over two years I was able to fall asleep and wake up in the arms of my love. And then one day I went to work and came home to an empty house.

A wave of grief hit me. I’d honestly forgotten how much I enjoyed being in the ongoing presence of my partner and working as a team. It was a perfectly sharpened, finely honed double edged sword.

Now I realize that it may sound almost ridiculous to some for me to say this considering some of the things that I and my partner do together but just because I love differently, it doesn’t mean that my love is any less meaningful. I had just locked away that part of me that allowed that particular emotion to run free and unchecked for more than a few days at a time.

Suddenly I found myself floundering because Muse and her wife are currently dealing with some pretty significant issues and not only am I not in a position to be able to offer any assistance to them; I haven’t wanted to burden my partner with my sudden epiphany. After all, she wasn’t the one who suddenly had a chance of heart, I was.

I’m such a conflicted little Sadist these days. How do I reconcile the fact that my heart and my body come alive when the one who feeds me is within arms reach at any given moment, but she is not available to me as I desire?

We’ve evolved so much over the time we’ve been together what pulses inside me had transformed to a need; much like the air I breathe. I need the fear. I need the agony. I need the blood of another on my lips and coursing through my veins. But I also need the gentle laughter over a private joke, the comfort of falling asleep in my lover’s arms; the sense of accomplishment when we’ve dealt with something mundane as a couple.

I’ve tried repeatedly to reassure her that she’s done nothing wrong and that this is all on me. If anything, it’s because she’s loved me so brilliantly that I’ve realized that it’s time for me to work on finding that missing piece and I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps seeking a primary partner for myself could help to satisfy my aching heart.

Anyone who seeks to go on this little adventure with me would have to understand that my pixie isn’t going anywhere (at least by my choice) and I’m totally new to the poly lifestyle so I have absolutely no idea how I will handle trying to balance multiple relationships.

They would have to be willing to be patient, because I can’t guarantee I’ll do everything right. They would have to understand I’m terrified, because while I’m a Sadist, I would never intentionally harm anyone and somewhere along the lines I’m sure feelings will get hurt. They would have to be kinky because while I love the ice cream melting over a bowl of warm peach cobbler, vanilla does nothing for me in the bedroom. But most of all they would have to be willing to be naked. Not just in body, but in spirit because I can no longer swim in the shallow end of the pool and I need to be partnered with those who are willing to be as raw and wicked, bloody and as vulnerable as I am. My pixie does everything within her power to make sure I have everything I need as she is able, but perhaps I still have a missing piece…

Trial by Ordeal: Be Careful What You Ask For.


In a rare turn of events, Daddy came to pick me up from the house this time around. She drove down on Thursday and stayed in my house in Orlando. As she arrived, Mommy had gone upstairs as she felt bad. One trip to the store, and Daddy surprising Mommy with this weird tea stuff and they we’re on the couch laughing and joking like nothing had ever happened.

Thursday night at slept, together, in Mommy’s house in Orlando. While we didn’t fuck, it was still amazing!!!


The ORIGINAL plan for Friday was for me to be restrained for the trip to Jax. I protested and asked what about needing to pee? Daddy’s response? You’re right, I’ll just have to diaper you. Don’t want any messes in my car.

I was aghast. The MOST I’d ever been immobile and unable to move was maybe an hour. This was daunting at best BUT I was determined to please Daddy and obey.

So on Friday we woke up and packed to get ready to leave. I was told to dress comfortably and to make sure that I wanted to stay in it for 3 hours (or more). I grabbed my best bra and loose tank, and my jeans.

I finished packing and feeding the puppies and went to load Daddy’s car.

Problem, as I got into the car Daddy said her eyes felt weird. Not wanting to die in a fire crash I made the executive decision to drive to breakfast and then, if Daddy felt better after, I would relinquish my driving privilege to her at the first rest stop we passed.

She agreed and off we went.

After breakfast, and right before we hit 95, Daddy needed to pee, ergo I was ordered to hit the nearest rest stop.

“When I come back we are switching so gear up.” She smirked.

I waited until she returned and was ordered to pull off to the side and park the car. I did as I was told and Daddy met me on the passenger side.

She reached into the back seat and retrieved the strait jacket from her pack.

“Arms in princess.”

I complied even though I was mortified by the fact that LITERALLY everyone could see us as plain as day.

Daddy finished the crotch strap and I climbed back into the passenger side of the call. I was belted in and the seat was laid back so I could rest and we were off.

Which is where it got interesting.

We pulled out of the rest stop and were on our way when Daddy looked in the rear view.

“Theres a cop behind me. Fucker is pulling me over!”

My heart stopped. Had someone seen us? Did someone assume I was getting abducted? What did they want? What was I going to say if they asked why I was tied up in the pasenger seat? Was this illegal?

I laid there stone still as the cop reprimanded Daddy in what I can only refer to as true dick cop fashion. Turns out that since she didnt slam on her brakes and cause an accident to move over while he and his buddy had pulled someone over; it was a problem that HAD to be dealt with.

He left the window and I asked Daddy to undo my arms. At least if I was mobile he couldnt have an issue if he saw me. She deftly moved to undo my arm strap and free me, to an extent as the jerk returned.

“Im only going to give you a warning just move over next time!” The dick with a badge admonished and then disappeared. He made a show of he and his partner speeding off convinced of their superiority.

Daddy laughed nervously and then smiled at me.

“Time to button you back up.” she giggled as she re-restrained me and we were off.

We arrived home and I was freed after we found that Gizmo and Tater had left Daddy presents in her absence.

We chilled out for a while and I began dinner (salmon as usual). During this time Daddy began to chop up and puree jalapenos. Her new theory on getting deep into my head was to use capsaicin to get me really stoned and then use her new found interest in hypnosis to crawl her way into my head.

We finished dinner and I was ordered to the bathroom and to strip. I knew what was coming and it was REALLY unsettling. I usually dont play when im intoxicated but this wasnt intoxication….it was technically forced subspace.

I knelt on the floor and waited for Daddy to plug me in and was rewarded soon with the rush of Hulk green liquid coming from the enema bag.


Capsaicin makes my intestines spasm and this stuff was 100% pure and it was EXTREMELY effective

I was so high i could look down at the International space station and it was causing my intestines to spasm….hard. I begged and pleaded for Daddy to allow me to release and she relented not wanting to have to clean her floor.

Just like the first time I was so high that it was hard to stay ON the toilet and I remember hearing Daddy cackle as I came to the realization that, this time, the Jalapenos burned upon their exit.

My ass was ablaze and I was having a hard time staying up right.

I finished up and collapsed on the floor.

“Come to bed sweetheart, I cant do anything with you like this.”

I crawled to the bed and finally lay down beside my love as she stroked her fingers up and down my body.

She calmly curved her arm up around my head and dug her fingers into her newly acquired access point through my third eye.

Time stopped

What happened next is a blur and she will have to fill in but I remember seeing numbers flash in the darkness only to be consumed by fire.

More showed up slower afterwards and were blown away like smoke. I remember feeling relaxed and hearing Daddys voice in my head like thunder but not much else.

We drifted off to sleep after we made love and I slept like a rock.


Saturday was spent running errands and I was told that, in the evening I was to be made into Daddy’s doll.

Tits and cock sewn up so that I was sexless. An object for Daddy to admire and play with.

I cringed at the thought BUT I wanted to go through it. I had asked about it after all and Daddy was really excited.

We came home and I was ordered to strip and lay on the butterfly board. THIS time however, i was face down.

The cuffs went on and Daddy went to work on me.

Floggers, Paddles, and canes.

“Count down from 300 like last night, princess.”

Her voice changed and I could feel it more than hear it. It was soft but consuming me utterly.

The impact got harder. I was held fast by her trance and it was terrifying.

I kept telling myself; “Just open your eyes and fight back!” but my body refused to listen.

The impact got harder.

“Go to your cage princess I dont want to hear or see you until I call.”

I vanished into the darkness and the pain changed. It still hurt but I was at peace and calmer than ever.

After a while the pain stopped and I felt Daddy at my ear. From the darkness I heard.

“Im going to undo your restraints and you are to turn over.”

My body complied even though I wasnt piloting it. This was surreal.

I lay on my back and revelled in the blackness when HE showed up.

“You know whats coming? Shes going to have someone stitch you up you stupid little whore!


This is not what we were trained to do!”

I could hear the mounting panic in HIS voice but this time, as my heart rate rose, I grew calmer. HIS hold on me would slip and then return almost as if he was trying to shake me awake to no avail.

HE faded after some time when I heard the door open. People had arrived, Daddys freinds were here to make her doll a reality.

I could hear voices but not place who they were.

I felt cold as metal strapping was secured around me.

“I know this seems a bit much but TRUST me its warranted.” Daddy explained to her guests as I was literally bolted into place.

“Muse do you want to see who is here? Come back up and you can see who is here. You know who they are.”

I tried to open my eyes but the trance was too deep and I couldnt.

“Its ok baby, stay down. Dont come up till youre called.”

I felt my head being lifted and the muzzle being buckled onto my head.

I was efectively mute for the the foreseeable future.

I fell deeper into the black as Sir commanded and relaxed.

The next thing I remember is cold followed by a pain that I havent felt in literally decades.

Problem with me is that I heal fast….incredibly fast for a mortal apparently. So much so that Daddy has a hard time causing me to bleed when she wants to feed off of me.

I also have thick skin as I would later find out.

My tormenter pierced my right breast and the world exploded into fire.

I was brought out of space and immediately in dangerous territory as all I wanted was out and away. Every fiber of my being screamed at me to backup and gain ground to reassess and destroy my attacker.

Daddy saw who was coming and paused her instructor.

“Stay down baby, its ok.”

For the first time I spoke to Daddy

“No its not, I cant be muzzled for this.” I struggled to communicate through the leather holding me prisoner.

Suddenly I felt my core and my body growing cold. I was shivering and didnt know why.

I asked for a blanket thinking that the cold was causing my pain as the suture that had been completed wasnt painful.

My eyes were open but I didnt know the people who were present.

I panicked.

Had I forgotten people? I was sure I didnt know the two that were present.

Daddy explained that it was Brandy (Whom I had spoken to online) and her Daddy, Daddy James.

I warmed myself and the executive decision was made to change to staples after a failed attempt to suture my lower extremities.

I like staples (about as much as I can given I HATE needles) a LOT better than sutures as the pain combined with my thick hide cause me to panic.

I greeted my tormentors and made my usual jokes as Daddy retrieved the stapler.

I asked to be unrestrained for the rest of the ordeal as this goal had become more about pride than facing the pain. I was determined to do this to showcase my devotion to Daddy and being her slavegirl.

During this time I asked what time it was and was met with a time two hours later than I was aware of.

During the trance I was under I had managed to lose 3 hours.

It took a while but both tits and Daddys cock were finally hidden away behind pieces of steel. I was in an amazing symphony of pain but strangely I was loving every second of it.

I was given permission to stand when I asked for permission to cook for Daddy and her guests since I had taken so long to get my staples put in.

Problem was that we needed things from Publix and, by this point, I had learned that Brandy and I manage to supercharge each others brat and it was GLORIOUS!

I also found out that, by this point, that the pain was deep enough and constant enough to cause me aftershock orgasms.

This was anything but upsetting.

The decision was made for me to get dressed and go get the groceries needed for dinner. I didnt want to drive alone however as I didnt know what my reaction would be in a car, let alone in Publix.

Brandy helped me through Publix and talked to me about her rules with her Daddy as we drove back.

Upon returning and beginning to cook dinner I found that movement could now cause me to orgasm without warning and i couldnt control it.

This fact was amusing to Daddy as well as Daddy James and it was capitalized on FREQUENTLY.

I began cooking and laughed and joked with our new found friends in the kitchen. During this time I learned that I was able to trigger Brandy’s Daddy into his Dom mode by misbehaving and being bratty to him. At one point I was told that my actions would cause Brandy pain which only served to send me into high brat gear.

That was until MY Daddy stepped in to put a stop to it.

I finished dinner and became after dinner entertainment as I was ordered to sit on the floor.

Daddy pulled my yoga tights up and produced her Hitachi. She found that running it over the staples would cause me to build to orgasm.

I reached my apex and was made to beg for release in front of our company.




Then begged like a wanton whore to be allowed to cum.

I was granted release and I exploded in front of Brandy and her Daddy.

Afetr the show was done it was time for Brandy and her Sir to go home. They lived far and it was near midnight.

We hugged and I went to hug Daddy James goodbye.

It was at this point I realized my folly when James pulled me in for a hug.


Grinding his sternum into my stapled tits.

The pain was deliberate……and deserved……but really painful.

Daddy James laughed and they left to head home.

Daddy sent me to our room and followed shortly after.

She laid me out and marvelled at her work. Her doll had finally arrived and she wasnt going to waste a second taking full advantage.

She ran her tongue along the staples of my newly formed vagina and lowered herself between my legs.

Her tongue began to probe and tease me. I felt my cock begin to stiffen and realized that I had an orgasm building as Daddy was “eating me out” like the girl I always yearned to be.

I was in paradise and on my way to cumming

Daddy knew what she was doing and held me fast as her tongue moved in and out of my slit.

Just as soon as she started she stopped.

“Roll over and put your pussy in the air.”

Her voice came sternly and with the force of a freight train.

I was hesitant and received a slap for my reticence.

I rolled over and raised my hips and my hole was met with Daddys new favorite toy; her borrowed Fucksall.

She buried the rubber phallus deep in me and pulled the trigger.

I felt my cock harden and was terrified I would have to feel it pushing on my staples but the orgasm I was building to killed the fear just as quickly as it started.

I was exhausted but I needed Daddy fiercely.

I needed the staples out though which Daddy was all too happy to oblige.

I cant remember whose idea it was but I was tasked with taking out the staples which was a mindfuck all on its own.

Once done the camera was done away with and I needed Daddy. I kissed her deeply and began to play and toy with her.

At one point my fingers ended up in Daddy’s pussy and I was fingering her deeply as I kissed all over her and talked to her about our adventures.

The staples coupled with my fingers pounding her G-spot sent Daddy over the edge to the point she squirted all over the covers.

Much to my surprise and hers as well.

We cleaned ourselves up and climbed into bed. I cuddled her close feeling both peace and

pride in having gone through the ordeal to showcase my devotion to my owner and my love.

We both fell into a deep sleep


We didnt play much on Sunday. Its become a ritual that Daddy takes a nap and I clean up and pack my gear before we leave. She takes me halfway home and meets up with Mommy. It helps her and me to ease out of the weekend and it helps Daddy because I dont disappear after an intense weekend.

Paradise is coming back and im hopeful for the future for once in a very long time.

Maybe one day the war will end. It feels good to have hope again.