Testing For Durability.

  Hi.  New guy here again.  It’s been almost 2 weeks that we’ve been together, practically every day.  My apartment, an hour away, is now secure and remotely monitored during this pandemic.  One week after Bella and I met I was (not unexpectedly) informed that I’d have a 2 month furlough from work.  Subsequently, I’ve been o̶r̶d̶e̶r̶e̶d̶ invited to self isolate at Casa Bella. I was hoping she’d ask. It’s the only good thing coming out of this self quarantine. Every day we’re together is a gift.  (Hey, I see that eyeroll. Just be happy for us, will ya?).

  So, if you live on planet Earth you’ve undoubtedly watched at least 1 episode of the 1966 version of the Batman TV show.  “Pow.  Bam. Ooof.  Zing”  Those comical sound effect balloons would pop up after a thrown punch connected with its target.  Those weren’t the noises I heard the second time I was given discipline for disobeying orders.  Now would be a good time to get that bowl of popcorn.

  So, after what can only be described as 3 days of “Oh, this is what happy feels like”  I returned to my home.  Before I left I was given VERY specific instructions to not masturbate.  “No cumming for you, mister! Not till you come back. Edge all you want, but no orgasms.”  Which was going to be 4 days away. No Problem!

Things didn’t go according to plan.

3 nights later we’re chatting away on the phone…

 “Did you masturbate?”

“Yes, yes I did.”

 “What did I tell you? Now you get punished for doing exactly what I told you not to do”.  

 Her tone was not loud, her cadence not flustered.  But fuck me if I didn’t hear that sleeping giant wake right up.  Uh oh…

  I didn’t realize there would be actual punishment, but I wasn’t against the idea, either.  I mean, it’s been so long since I’ve had actual physical discipline. I kinda liked the idea of a refresher course. 

 It’s not easy being naive.  Fun, endearing even, but not easy.  

  So, the plan was for me to arrive at her house (I was given my own passcode and her dog loves me by now) while she was at work and to wait patiently until she came home. Don’t say “Hello”, don’t kiss, don’t hug.  I’d be ushered into the bedroom where I would strip, bend over the bed with my forehead on the mattress and my ass in the air and receive a 5 stroke paddling. Count off after each time the paddle connects, don’t lift my head off the mattress because that would just add more strokes.  Afterwards we could be our loving selves but no aftercare until I was disciplined. I will freely admit I was a little turned on by the whole thought. 

I drive to her house, walk in, sit on the couch, cuddle with the dog and wait.  Nervously, excitedly. I’m in uncharted territory and I’ll worry about finding a cartographer later.  How will this feel?  How much pain can I take?  Do I actually want this? Oh, the door is unlocking!  She’s home! Let’s do this!  I stand up and I’m all sorts of excited. 

What, what’s happening here?  Who the fuck just walked in the door?

I shit you not, a striking brunette looking like something out of a 1950s detective novel walks in the door. Sunglasses, make up, dark dress, handbag, seductive hair.  What in the good godamn have I gotten myself into here?

Now it’s suddenly awkward and she’s staring at me and I smile nervously, rise from the couch and here we go.

 “Hi, I’m… Bella’s friend, just… waiting… cause she’ll be here soon…”  

I really don’t remember what was said exactly.  The moment was a little tense and I’m pretty sure I remained calm-ish.  She looked through me while smiling and said that I could be anyone, she didn’t know I’d be there and was not entirely cool with a stranger in the house.  I came back with “Whatever you need to do to confirm what I’m saying”. Brunette is increasingly freaked out and has her back pressed up against the door in a way that tells me the situation is becoming agitated and tense.  “I’m just gonna reach into my purse…” I thought for sure she was reaching for a gun and I’d have some explaining to do…

The body language changed on a dime and genuine laugh followed.   “I’m just fucking with you. Bella told me you’d be here and said I could give you the once over”.  The whole scene played out in about 20 seconds but it felt like 3 hours in a cold room. She’s a good friend of Bella’s and we had the “so tell me about yourself” type conversation non stop till she came home.  I was subtly applauded for handling the situation with grace after the fact. 10 minutes later Bella walks in and I rise to greet her but maintain a polite distance. Brunette and Bella compared notes about me for a few minutes enthusiastically (I’m in the room here, ladies!). 

Goodbyes were said and now I’m in the bedroom in position one.  I’m reminded of why I’m there, what’s about to happen and why this won’t happen again.  Because it’s my first infraction I have the luxury of being disciplined with a lucite paddle.  Thin, lightweight, not really intimidating. “Oh, this will be fun” I think. Fun. That first sting across my naked ass was a genuine knock at the door of what lies ahead.  It hurt, it was loud, it was a little humiliating, it was definitely deserved. I knew exactly what I did while I was doing it and this is what happens when I don’t listen. I thought it would be a lot worse and it was made clear Bella went easy on me.  “Thank you, it won’t happen again.”

It happened again.  

  My introduction to paddling was apparently a gateway drug.  A Red Brand Trailer to a movie I’ve been wanting to see. A few days later we kicked things up a notch.  I was introduced to a few friends. The nerf bat, the crop, the…whatever that thing is called and the fucking wooden paddle.  What happened in that brief, fun, playful and enlightening session isn’t important. What is important is that my eyes are slowly beginning to open as intended.

  Now, the charge for the crime is up for debate.  Fun fact: I’m 𝗉̶𝗎̶𝗌̶𝗁̶𝗂̶𝗇̶𝗀̶ 𝟧̶𝟢̶ a 200 year old sasquatch and the tops of my ears have enough hair growth to warrant regular shaving.  Nobody wants to see hair on your ears, right? I’m no savage, you have standards, please pass the razor. Bella suggested I leave them alone and she’d wax them.  I enthusiastically agreed. And then, somewhat absent mindedly, I shaved them a few days later out of habit. And a clear lack of understanding of how waxing works.  Major no no. “I told you not to shave them. You didn’t listen. Now you get the wooden paddle and it’s 10 strokes, not 5”  

I really didn’t feel this was fair, and over the next 26 hours that feeling of injustice evolved into something I didn’t see coming.  

“Pow.  Bam. Ooof.  Zing.”

   Bella and I had our usual morning cuddle fest the following morning after the morning alarm went off.  As she dressed for work she reminded me in a deliberate, measured voice that we’ll be addressing my disobedience.  The text she sent 2 hours later was matter of fact; she’ll come home after work and go straight to the shower. I’ll be waiting naked, forehead on mattress, arms outstretched, feet on floor this time.  Wooden paddle.  “Wooden paddle? Wooden paddle hurt!.  Wooden paddle not fun pain, only pain pain.  Me no like this” said my inner sad caveman that doesn’t understand the modern world.

  “Just wait till your father gets home” was something I hated hearing as a boy and something I really didn’t like thinking about as a man.  I made it this far avoiding drama and bullshit because I don’t like feeling negative emotion and because I don’t make mistakes that impact anyone.  Yet here I was, my brain bathing in the chemicals it produces when you have a major conflict on the horizon. I kept myself busy the whole day doing the type of things you do on a day off and you’re tired of looking at things that need tending to.  All the busy work couldn’t stop me from thinking about my fate.  I didn’t like it.  I really did not like this feeling of impending doom or helplessness.   Of inevitable discomfort. Of basically fucking up and now having to face consequences I didn’t think I deserved.  “This is fucking bullshit.  Sigh…Let’s just see how it goes.  Get it over with. Maybe my feelings will change one way or the other.  I signed up for this and I trust her. It’s a lesson on many levels. Fuck, this is gonna suck”.  I felt like a rodent frantically trying to escape a self closing trap. “This is what panic feels like.”

I didn’t get the usual phone call from Bella on her way home from work.  This was done on purpose. More reflection. More anticipation. More panic and woe.  And she didn’t have to lift a finger. Clever girl.

I couldn’t look her in the eyes when she walked in the door, a first.  Pleasantries were barely exchanged, the opposite of our normal. Things were feeling worse by the second.  “I really don’t like this”  Shower started, I stripped and assumed position one.  The wooden paddle already on the bed. 2” thick, compact size, nicely stained.  Clearly not a toy (but potentially a nice charcuterie board, I thought Plenty of room for meats AND cheeses.  “Fuck, I forgot to eat today…oh well”).

“Pow.  Bam. Ooof.  Zing. Ouch. OUCH.  FUCK!! (inteligible scream)

I had to remind myself that this is actually what I wanted, what I signed up for.  I shouldn’t be surprised. This will hurt, and then her aftercare would bring me back to earth.  “Let’s do this!  Who knows, it might awaken something I like?”

That thought lasted all of 1 second.  Relentless, unforgiving wood connecting with one already bruised ass cheek (bruised from a kinder, more playful session a few days earlier) and now I’m mad.  “Mad? Why am I mad?  What’s happening here?”  The second through 10th strike produced a pain I’m wholly unfamiliar with and my screams counting off  those remaining numbers had a voice so filled with rage I’m surprised I didn’t lose consciousness. I haven’t felt like that since…wait…have I ever felt like that?  No.  I haven’t, and now I’m shaking from pain and rage and the feeling of helplessness. “I don’t like this…Do I understand this?  Negative reinforcement. Oh. I get it now…we’re training.”

  As expected, Bella came up lovingly and began to press her body against mine.  Arms still outstretched and face still firmly buried deep in the mattress I sharply say I’m not ready.  For once I don’t want to be touched. 10 seconds. 20 seconds. I’m coming back to Earth. 30 seconds. I open my eyes, all anger has dissipated.  Huh.  What the hell was that?  Did I like it? I think i liked it.  Not the pain, the lesson as a whole.  I shifted closer to her and let out a sigh“That really hurt.  I was so angry. I haven’t seen that guy before and I don’t like him.”  Bella reminded me that this wasn’t play and she didn’t like it either. Her soft strokes over my head trailing down to the sore spots.  The room is quiet. We’re back to normal. Lesson actually learned this time. 

 “What would you like to drink with dinner, my love?” 

Connection starts between the ears – discovering hypnosis.

Years ago I had a wonderful and very intense relationship with my late submissive J, (no – I didn’t do anything to hasten his demise) that had developed into a hypnotic connection. I was in my early 20’s and he 17 years older and a vast majority of our relationship developed and was conducted over the phone. There was such a close bond that we discovered I could talk him off – make him orgasm – without him ever touching himself. All it took was a certain tone in my voice and me speaking to him in a positive, reinforcing manner to make it happen.

Our relationship was one that started out as a professional one through phone sex and turned into a deep friendship that had developed over many years. He was married and slept nude and was also a heavy ejaculator with a very strong sex drive and prone to having wet dreams. Playful, teasing humiliation was the drug that kept him deeply enamored.

As he was always very good at following directions he never went against my wishes when I instructed him to edge himself but not cum. It frustrated him immensely and I found an intense level of joy in inflicting a certain amount of discomfort within him because it kept him poised and attentive at all times.

He was a trial lawyer and constantly surrounded by the upper echelon in his field. He also never wore underwear and would drip heavily when aroused and had a beautifully thick cock that was impossible to hide when awakened. He had a serious addiction to my voice and my teasing cruelty and the fact that I loved to put him in compromising positions; so he would often stealth away from dinner parties and company to sneak a quick call to me. It was during those moments I would tell him in great detail all of the awful things that I was going to do to him, often threatening to cuckold him and turn him into my sweet little cocksucker and clean up boy. The suggestions that absolutely horrified him the most were also the ones that turned him on the greatest and I absolutely loved putting on an icy tone and telling him exactly how I would make these scenarios happen. Over the years we had fallen in love and his addiction to our lifestyle and subspace and the release it offered intensified and he would struggle to maintain his professional composure while his body readily betrayed it’s need. I very much enjoyed playing the Puppetmaster in our little games, and we played them frequently.

Over time I discovered that while he was sitting in his office at work, with one hand on the phone and the other on his desk, I could send him into great, convulsive messy orgasms that would immediately soak through his suit and he would then have to McGuyver his way to change. He once tried to sneak out of his office and had a room full of people nearby so went to the adjoining kitchen and “dumped” a jar of mayonnaise on his lap to cover up his shame. I was hysterical laughing at his description.

I could also instruct that he wasn’t to masturbate to orgasm for a period of time, and he would not have any wet dreams for x amount of days. Or he would have one on this particular night or two this night. It used to particularly entertain me to instruct them to happen when he was sleeping beside his wife as he always had such a big mess to clean up while trying not to wake her.

Up until my most recent relationship that ended this past July I had not played with hypnosis at all, but when my previous partner expressed an interest in it I did take some online classes and found I could put her under as well. It was really nice to know that having that type of connection with someone was still possible and it is certainly one I would like to explore again.

While I do love to use the various toys and implements at my disposal there is absolutely nothing more powerful to me than holding my beloved captive with the binds that I’ve instilled within their own mind.

I truly believe that a whisper can hold more power than a whip ever will.

Sweetly Sadistic. Is It an Oxymoron?

It’s funny (not funny ha ha but more funny disappointing) how during this arduous search for my one I’ve come across so many that seem to only want to communicate with certain parts of me.

I’ve had those that are simply looking to be owned, under the harshest of circumstances. Kept as a full time servant and beaten with regularity, treated as a thing and given no kindness.

Others that wish to be kept as a cuckold husband in chastity, with only their mouths and holes being used for pleasure by myself or those I choose. My husband would happily support me having as many lovers as I choose while he is kept chaste.

I’ve been approached by people bragging about being “K-9 bitch boys” and wanting to eat shit on cam and pay me to watch them do it. Even though it states on my profile specifically that if either of those two things are mentioned, they will get blocked. No passing go. No collecting $200. The block button has been a good friend as of late. I could literally retire and spend my days creating my art and beating boys to my hearts content and live very well without ever having to punch a clock ever again, if I chose to do so.

I’ve even been approached by people asking for me to eventually “end” them. Now, I do describe myself sometimes as Dexter without the killing but honestly, why would I want to do something like that? I’m fascinated by fear play and taking my partner to the edge over and over again and that takes a tremendous amount of trust. I don’t break my toys. I will hurt you, I’ll never harm you. That being said I did get a very enticing offer recently to castrate someone though his request and my option were completely different. I am not a surgeon and have no desire to cut someone open, but I did find this handy device and it is now in my collection.

I ask people who are interested in me to read this blog, simply because it gives folks that are seriously interested in me an opportunity to get a peek into how I navigate my world. Activities that the Muggles would be horrified by; I simply refer to as “Because it’s Tuesday”. Yes, I do very much enjoy extremely dark activities, but I counterbalance that with my day to day. My home is bright and cheerful. I do volunteer work including making life castings for friends with family members in Hospice. Eventually I hope to be able to buy a piece of land and rescue animals and foster, with a special interest in elderly dogs. I work in a corporate setting but my true love is art and my professional goal is to be able to transition myself into a full time artist; and be able to offer my Hospice life castings on a more consistent basis.

My biggest personal goal is to get back on track in regards to my physical fitness. While I do walk daily during my lunch break at work and work out three mornings a week before work I’ve done really well in a very regimented workout and meal plan in the past and wish to get back into it; but it’s hard to get motivated to do it alone.

I’m fully aware this blog entry is quite the snoozer compared to a lot of the others but it’s important that potential suitors recognize and speak to me as a whole person. I’m way more than the Sadist who gets off on hearing her lover scream. I’m not just the kinky chick that enjoys bending her man over on a regular and pounding him with her fat cock that she wears with nothing but a t-shirt on the weekends. Nor the future wife that will keep him naked in front of her girlfriends and let them fuck him mercilessly as well when she’s feeling particularly generous. I read a profile recently and the gentleman stated he was looking for a woman who was “clit-centric” and that very much describes me. I generally refer to it as a girlie boner and as I typically masturbate on a daily basis, servicing me would become part of the routine because when the girlie boner gets activated; I’m like a teenage boy. The whole fucking world stops until I have an orgasm. That could mean a variety of things to my partner from mouth to the use of his cock, or I could strap on mine and happily fill him while continuing to work myself up and figure out the end result later, which may or may not include an orgasm for him.

Oh yeah. I do enjoy tease and denial. I also enjoy playing around with chastity but haven’t had much of an opportunity to explore there.

My point is this: it’s the full package, or it’s nothing. I’m the one who wants someone by her side for all of the mundane day to day that a full time relationship/marriage requires as well as all of the depravity that the kink side encompasses. With me, there is no singular way, I enjoy sex, sensuality and sadism in all of it’s many forms and I’m happy to explore these with the right person. I’m not seeking my right now, I’m searching for the total package, who wants a total package as well.

It’s not all about me, it’s about balance. It’s about finding the perfect dance partner who is confident and capable enough to slay the dragons but who also finds solace at the feet of his partner. I want to be his biggest supporter, the person he relies on for strength and comfort, love and pain. The one who breaks him; and the one who rebuilds. My world is full of laughter and love but is also colored with darkness and depravity and I have been very successful with being able to fluidly travel within it’s various nuances. I am the woman who would accompany you to a stuffy corporate awards meeting and would be smiling deviously as you’re taking the podium to speak in front of hundreds of people; because my finger would be poised on the remote control that is connected to the large bluetooth enabled plug that is firmly positioned inside your rectum awaiting discharge. At every moment of every day you would be aware of who you were to me, and how very cherished and valued and owned you are.

Oh and one final goal I’d like to mention. I’ve had several people tell me they think I should write a book, but as I literally have the attention span of a fruit fly I’d need someone to help me stay on track. I’ve found the perfect device to help me do this, now I just need a volunteer to build a more comfortable (for me) and slightly modified for writing version and who is willing and able to be in this position for hours at a time.

Interested parties, please feel free to contact me.

Whispers From a Past Life

Recently a new friend stumbled across some of my old writings from 2008, and mentioned how much he enjoyed them. I thought I would share them here as they are still very much the person I am today.

JOURNAL ENTRY

Hunger

I am yours to do with as you wish, he said.

Perhaps he realized the depths of his words, but I choose to think he did not. Though he had seen her play harshly with others; all he knew of her was the light hearted spirit she had shown him…the nurturing, caring woman who always asked how his day went, and expressed concern when things weren’t going so well.

Now it was his turn in the chains.

He greeted her naked, as he was instructed to do. Soon enough she had him cuffed and chained to the bed, and made it a point to let him know that there was no way to escape his restraints. He saw a wicked smile upon her face that until that point; had only been reserved for others.

Though she was kind in feeding her need…she still made him repeatedly cry out in pain….yet made sure to inflict gentle kisses upon him as well as to nurse the life into his aching cock..confusing his body as she had his mind. Lowering herself upon his chained hand, she showed him the arousal that his discomfort brought to her and praised him for how well he had suffered for her.

She will feed his needs….as he feeds hers….a sharp smack, a hand held at the throat, a rough fuck….the lines are blurred and the hunger grows….

JOURNAL ENTRY

Patience.

I’ve never really given any serious consideration into why I am the way I am and what motivates me to participate in activities that the majority of the population would consider at the very least; distasteful. I’ve always been pretty accepting of the fact that even though I look like the girl next door I am quite simply not everyone’s cup of tea. I’m okay with that. I don’t want to be like everyone else. My fantasies are dark and twisted; as is the secret but incredibly satisfying life I lead.

Meeting you has been a bit of a re-introduction to self. I look at you and wonder what motivates you to do the things you do. To trust me so deeply that you would let me take you along this path. I look at me and wonder how I can crave you as I do; aching to satisfy a hunger inside myself that you have reawakened. Having a full comprehension of the way I feel about you I know that part of me should feel guilty…you say you will never be the type of person to ask to be hurt; yet I’ve seen it happen to the strongest of people; time and time again. Weakness in character does not allow someone to offer themselves the way you do. If things continue in the direction they are headed the need to submit will overwhelm the desire to please and inevitably; you will find yourself aching to be broken. The stresses of the week, the voices in your head and the anxiety in your gut will eventually only be calmed by the intense release that I have introduced you to. No amount of sex, cigarettes, liquor or other vices will be able to satisfy it. I should feel guilty; but I don’t. I know you no longer take things lightly but love; we’ve barely scratched the surface.

I see bruises that fade after a couple of days…I long for them to last for weeks. My teeth bruise your skin…sometimes I fantasize about kissing you deeply and letting you taste your own blood. I want to trace needles upon your skin, and make you watch as I shove them through and then lower my mouth to soothe the wound. I am patient, and I would never abuse the incredible gift you’ve given me…but I will make you want it. I will get into you so deeply that your need is as deep, and dark and complex as mine. My love for you allows me to share Her with you, because I know…no matter what transpires between us…you will always forgive me. Your pain brings me peace. Your trust brings me freedom. Your love fills my heart…and your gift satisfies my soul.

You always hurt the one you love. Truer words were never spoken, even if the sentiment was not intended as it applies to me. Yes, I will take all that you offer me…and a little bit more than you think you can give. on Dec. 16, 2008

Just call me Mantis. Tess for short.

Because apparently I mate and then there’s the messy business of a beheading that follows. The truly bizarre thing to me is that I *DO* come with a disclaimer, and a warning. Multiple in fact. This blog being the biggest one as it’s a requirement that anyone who wants to come see me read this before they even consider riding the ride. No exceptions.

In spite of all efforts, finding my one has thus far proven fruitless. I’ve had three come here to visit me with high hopes and clean STI panels, and all three have left with their proverbial hats in hand.

Right before he arrived he mentioned he had just quit smoking two packs a day and vaped daily.

Over the phone Tennessee though young at 31 was very sweet, easy to talk to and felt very comfortable. He worked in a very intense atmosphere but never seemed to get flustered no matter what happened and I really admired how he kept cool under pressure. Around a month after we started talking he had mentioned he had GERD and I asked him if there was anything else he hadn’t mentioned and that’s when he off handedly disclosed he had full dentures. I was completely taken off guard by the news but by that time really liked him and didn’t want to be so shallow that I rejected him due to this, so didn’t change plans even though I was a bit put off by the news. He also had hundreds of hours of vacation time saved up that he would cash out if he moved, so he would have been able to get implants after relocation.

The reality of it was that he vaped every chance he had, also had failed to disclose he had Asperger’s which I discovered when he had a complete meltdown while trying to back up my truck with a trailer in tow and burped non-stop because of the GERD. Additionally not only did he have a full set of dentures but he would come out of the bedroom and sit on the couch with his face half sunken in because he wasn’t wearing them and oftentimes they would not be maintained properly. All of this coupled with the fact that I was constantly going behind him shutting doors and cabinets and he was hugely into cartoons and video games felt like way too much of a project.

Next was New York. Really sharp, outgoing and congenial. Married but living in two homes because they’d been separated for several years and shared responsibility of their children. Right before he arrived he mentioned he had sensitivities to fragrance and asked me not to wear perfume or deodorant. Upon arrival that turned into “I’m really turned on by primal scents so I would strongly prefer if you don’t bathe for a day before I come or while I’m here.” Which then turned into “I’m so looking forward to waking up to you without makeup tomorrow.”

When we went to run errands the next day I put a bit of makeup on and he expressed his disappointment. Multiple times. I advised him I had heard his preference but I was going to go out in the manner I felt comfortable and he was unhappy about my decision but left it alone.

All in all we had three things that completely killed all chances. I’ve made it very clear that I am into penetrative sex, both giving and receiving. Turns out that his penis didn’t work for that particular duty unless you were being extremely degrading towards him.

I do not speak to people using the particular style of humiliation/degradation he needed, and the only way he could use that particular body part in that manner was when he was being spoken to like that. That would have been a deal killer up front had it been disclosed.

He also passed gas loudly and with enthusiasm from arrival, without bothering to be even mildly discreet about it. When I brought it up his response was “What? It’s just air. It doesn’t stink! Does it stink?!?” As if that made it all okay. Meanwhile I half expected him to be able to actually launch himself across the room considering the velocity it sounded like he was pushing at times.

Finally, he hadn’t disclosed to his wife that he was interested in starting a relationship with someone across country and she made it crystal clear she would not be cooperative with making arrangements when it came time to assist with taking care of the needs of the children.

After dealing with the shameful dick and incessant flatulance situations, I wasn’t unhappy that his wife decided to put the hammer down.

Finally, there’s New Hampshire. He was convinced that I was the one he had been waiting for his entire life, and mentioned a wedding ring several times. I found him incredibly intense and his energy frequently overbearing, and told him so multiple times.

I am an intense person during play, but outside of play I’m an extroverted introvert who mostly keeps to herself and can happily spend entire weekends alone and lost in my art. I don’t need every moment filled with noise or chatter and when conflicts arise I sometimes need a little time to process before jumping into the subject at hand. He and I had numerous discussions about these things as I felt it could be problematic but he was convinced that all he needed was patience and a little training and we’d be good to go. Against my better judgement we made arrangements for him to come in.

Wednesday night at 9:30 I met him at the airport, and handed him a shooter filled with lube that I had tucked in my boot. He had been instructed not to speak to me until given permission and he disappeared into the bathroom with the shooter and to install the remote anal plug I’d instructed him to purchase. I turned it on and we hopped in my truck.

I was wearing a long skirt and was wearing my strap on with my most slender cock underneath, and showed it to him in the truck. He pulled out the three he had purchased for the trip, all of a shorter stature due to physical limitations he had regarding length. According to what he had disclosed to me anything deeper than what he brought would put him in excruciating pain so he brought those for us to play with but the ring I was wearing on my harness allowed all three of them to easily slip through. I put my original cock back in play and once getting on the expressway instructed him to show me what a good little cocksucker he was; a task he enthusiastically started performing.

Once we arrived in my home I introduced him to my dog, a rescue pit and we moved to my bedroom where I had him set up my massage table. I instructed him to strip and he semi enthusiastically massaged me, it was late and neither of us had slept well the night before so we ended up having sex and crawling into bed.

After laying there for a few minutes he jumped up and my dog repositioned himself, NH as a stranger in the dark tried to push my dog and was rewarded with a quick snap to the face. Luckily there was no broken skin but it was an unexpected and uncomfortable situation for all.

At around 5:30 AM I woke up to him letting my dog out of the room and when I questioned him he said “I’m going to harass you for a little bit.” I told him he’d been doing that all night and when he asked what I meant I stated he’d been restless, jerking covers, running his hand up my leg repeatedly and the room was freezing due to me turning on a window AC for him that I typically only use as a supplement during the worst of the summer. He asked if I wanted him to go to the other room and I said yes and then went back to sleep.

When I woke up a few hours later still exhausted and grouchy I made coffee for us. He wanted to talk and I reminded him what I’d mentioned before he arrived, I’m not a morning person and sometimes (like this one) I need time to process things. He left me alone for a while but then came back again, wanting to broach the subject.

He eventually came around to the question “Do you want me here or not?” and I honestly answered at that moment, no. That my concerns prior to arrival were confirmed and I felt that energetically we were very different, that we clashed. We were very different people and I thought we could perhaps be friends but didn’t see a future for us. He admitted he thought the same but he liked me and was attracted to me and thought we could still have a good time and I told him I’m seeking a lifetime, not just a good time. A couple of times he repeated “I was just trying to be a gentleman.” (By asking that question.)

He was disappointed by my answer, but it was an honest one.

I dropped him back off at the airport shortly thereafter and his parting words to me were “It didn’t have to be this way. All my friends warned me. You’re alone for a reason, because you want to be.”

I just told him “Whatever you need to tell yourself to feel better” and got in my truck and came home. Having him in my space was quite literally the equivalent of how a cat must feel when it is being stroked backward. Initially it was acceptable but upon realizing the situation was just going to continue; the sensation felt unbearable. While overall he was a nice guy, he was simply overwhelming to me energetically. He lasted all of 15 hours.

Yes I am alone because currently I choose to be, until I find someone that is going to fill my cup without causing me to sacrifice a piece of myself in the process. Someone who makes me laugh even though I bring him to tears and who loves me unconditionally even though his pain and suffering will be my sustenance.

I am in search of my final love, not simply my next one and when I find him he will be cherished and loved with the blood bound devotion that I’ve never been able to freely share with anyone. In spite of my disappointments I still hold onto the glimmer of hope that he’s searching for me, and so I continue to try to keep an open heart and the Sadist quiet until she is free to feed.

I owe myself that much.

Dating When Kinky – Let’s Just Complicate Matters, Shall We?

Being in the dating scene these days is crazy enough, but try being a curvy teal haired 53 year old with a taste for blood and a strap on named Thor and things can get a bit tricky.

While I would absolutely love for a dashing gentleman around my age to come sweep me off my feet; it simply hasn’t happened. The ones who are even remotely interested in me are either married, in a different country, look like they are about to keel over dead, or have about as much personality as the sponge that sits by my kitchen sink.

I’ve had a dating profile on a kink site for a while and at this point have probably conversed with a couple of hundred people. For the most part the conversation ends pretty quickly as I have a tendency to be rather dismissive if I’m not interested, or I’ll simply send them this blog and that usually makes them realize that they probably would rather not end up in a hypnotic trance and screwed to my butterfly board with inescapable metal banding in the middle of my art room while I staple up their fancy bits with medical staples. (Yes that has happened and eventually I’ll end up posting about it.)

And then along comes this tall drink of water from Tennessee popping in. He’d sent me a message back in March that I’d initially ignored and he was back again. This time I replied as his profile and contacts had a sweetness about them and I had recently been feeling particularly jaded. In this case timing was everything and his response was warm and friendly without being pushy.

We quickly moved to KiK and then text. Shortly thereafter we were on the phone. You could tell he was nervous but he politely answered all of my questions and seemed genuinely interested in knowing all about me. I’d pointed him in the direction of the blog and he was actually more curious than intimidated which was quite surprising for someone with limited experience. I kept thinking I should throw him back for being “too little” but there was something that kept drawing me back to him. The conversations flowed effortlessly and for the first time in a really long time I felt like a priority to someone who while technically still a stranger; had already started to become a significant part of my day and I found myself looking forward to speaking with him. When bringing up the age difference he just laughed and asked what the big deal was? (He’s 31) “Guys do it all the time.” I honestly had nothing in response.

Popping in on him on video chat for the first time I’d caught him off guard as he’d recently woken up. He works overnights and his hair was tousled, his big brown eyes were sleepy and all I could focus on was this:

Holy shit, what an intoxicating combination. His shy, sweet smile and slightly nervous fidgeting and that mouth. That mouth that I could kiss for days. That full bottom lip that I want to bite into as I feel him quickly suck in his breath.

I’ve explained what would be expected from him if we were to enter into a relationship and he were to move here. I am very open about who I am without slamming everyone over the head with it; but friends, family and coworkers would automatically know he was not just my partner but my submissive. We would function as a couple and enjoy the regular mundane relationship activities but he would have a regular chore list to take care of around our home and yard. He would learn how to cook, as that isn’t a skill he currently possesses. He would maintain his full time job and contribute to the household financially while maintaining his own accounts separately. Massaging me and grooming my hair would become a regular part of his routine.

He has a very profound foot fetish and knows that I will use that to my best advantage; not only would I be getting foot massages as frequently as possible but I would make his massage skills available to any of my girlfriends who wanted to put him to use as well. (With the explanation to them in advance that it is a fetish for him, I wouldn’t not disclose that information.) Additionally, he would be kept locked in chastity and the key worn around my neck and in plain sight at all times, until such time as I released him for use. His mouth would be available to me at all times with the current expectation being that I would be serviced nightly and can hopefully finally unplug the damn Hitachi that has been a staple beside my bed for almost two years. (If it doesn’t happen soon I swear I’m starting a class action suit for all of us who have ground our clits off from this particular apparatus!) He would be taught to take my strap on both orally and anally and that would also become a regular part of our play. Bruises and markings are not an issue and if all goes well, eventually he would wear my collar.

Next weekend he is meeting up with a girlfriend of mine who lives nearby so she can give me her first hand impression of him, and he has readily agreed to provide me a recent STI screening and I’ve been provided all of his information for his background check.

I know that a lot of this sounds extremely one sided, but I can assure you that it is not. He is extremely service oriented and we have openly discussed everything that I’ve discussed here, with input from him as well and he has freely and without coercion agreed to all of it if we reach that stage as what I’ve described perfectly aligns with what he has also been seeking. When I am in a relationship I am completely invested and go above and beyond to make sure that my partner gets everything they need out of it as well, and I don’t sit idly by while they do all of the heavy lifting. While the play is intense I also take great care to put my partner back together afterward. Additionally, I am in search of a legitimate relationship built on a deep and committed love and mutual respect who’s company I can truly enjoy both in and out of the bedroom. While it remains to be seen if he is the one who will step into that role, it has certainly been wonderful soaking in everything I can about him, and hearing my name spoken in that soft southern drawl. My wicked little heart is blissfully happy these days at whatever the future may hold, even if it’s just that I’ve found a beautiful new friend.

OK that’s a total lie. I’d be PROFOUNDLY disappointed if there was no in-person chemistry but considering as much time as we’ve spend communicating including video-chat I think we’ll be fine.

Meanwhile if it does all work out I’ll have to hear my Mother chastise me about playing with children yet again. (The ex was 16 years younger and the ex ex was 10 years younger.) While I can appreciate the fact that she dearly wishes I would find someone with an AARP card, unfortunately Jeffrey Dean Morgan is taken and Sam Elliot stopped returning my calls.

Maybe in the next lifetime, Ma. Stay tuned…

A Fresh Start and a New Perspective.

I broke my own rule. Badly. I PROMISED myself that after my almost nine relationship with C ended I would never settle for “almost” again. Yet I did.

In all fairness, I’m glad I did because had I not there are some significant things that transpired over the last year and a half that likely would have never occurred; but in my heart of hearts by last April when things initially went tits up I knew we were doomed and no matter how much superglue and duct tape was applied there was no real chance of it being more than a seasonal thing. Still, I’m incredibly stubborn and an eternal optimist so I ignored all of the warning signs and kept moving forward because when things worked they were nothing short of magical.

As a direct result of us being together I became proactive with my health. (Yes I just turned 53 but I don’t have all the normal aches and pains you’d normally associate with growing older and despise going to Doctors.) I fell in love with my art again and work on it almost daily. I started writing as she is a voracious reader and have actually recently considered writing a book as I’ve had multiple requests for one. I’m about to be on a podcast because of becoming active in the lifestyle again. I finally stopped suppressing the darker side of me and embraced the Sadist within; accepting that I can still be the loving, nurturing person I am and let her feed as well and I became sober. None of these things are insignificant and I shall always be grateful for having her in my life, even if it didn’t last.

That being said, I find myself in search for My One. If interested in this position there are some requirements I am looking for. Some that are absolutely non negotiable, and some things that are a bit more fluid that can be discussed.

You must be single. I truly tried being part of a poly relationship for a year and a half and it absolutely didn’t work for me. I even considered perhaps getting a primary for myself (I was mono the entire time) and maintaining the original relationship as a way to keep it going but after a lot of soul searching have decided to abandon that option. I simply don’t have the time or emotional capacity to devote myself to more than one relationship.

You must be an exceptional communicator, especially when the subject is uncomfortable. Consistency in communication and transparency are incredibly important to me. Half truths and omitting pertinent details because you’re afraid of what my reaction could be may as well be considered lies in my eyes because to me; they count as such. A relationship such as what I seek can only be built on absolute trust and we have to be able to trust each other implicitly and without reservation. Even if you are afraid of my reaction to bad or uncomfortable news you need to know that typically I might want to have an extended conversation to try to get a better understanding about the subject or I may need some time to quietly process and reflect before discussing. I’m not one who yells, insults or flies off the handle unless pushed excessively for an extended period of time. I also do not play or punish when angry.

Before ANY play or fluid exchange of any kind occurs, you must provide a recent and clear STD panel. I have one on hand and expect one from my future partner, no exceptions.

If you are not local to the Jacksonville, Florida area you must be willing and able to relocate within a reasonable amount of time. We can discuss whether or not you would live in my home but if you do as I am fully set up you would be expected to arrive with minimal belongings and no pets. (I am allergic to cats and have a currently not new animal friendly rescue pit and we’re working with a trainer but he’s not there yet.) You would need to be service oriented and would contribute financially to the home.

Your credit profile would be provided to me so I can see how financially responsible you are. I am in banking and am fully self supporting but absolutely will not pay your bills (nor do I want you paying mine beyond what we mutually agree upon in advance should you move in with me) and it is important to me that anyone who joins my house shows personal responsibility for their finances. Years ago I lost everything that I had and literally had to start over from nothing after having worked extremely hard to build my credit. Issues with medical bills and one off situations happen; we can discuss those.

Mental and physical issues and limitations must be discussed early on in the getting to know you stages. Within the last two months it was determined I was dealing with depression and I am currently (and for the first time in my life) on Lexapro and will be talking to my Doctor about weaning off of it shortly as it appears the need for it has passed. I’m not one who typically has extreme mood swings at all and am known for having a consistent demeanor.

I am a Sadist. If you absolutely hate pain but feel you would be an absolutely amazing fit otherwise; please move on as it would be a waste of time for us both. From my personal ad:

I’m very sweet, kind and nurturing but when it comes time to play I play hard, and I feed deeply. I’m not for the faint of heart. I will tear you to pieces but when the storm is over I will love you back together.

Your screams, bruises, tears and anguish are all aphrodisiacs to me. I enjoy everything from sensory deprivation to confinement to strap on play to blood play and if we were in a relationship you will be passed amongst my friends for their enjoyment as well. You would be my most prized possession but would be subject to whatever thought amuses me at any given time.

I’m only interested in someone who is proactive and doesn’t need a micromanager. I’m an incredibly giving person and am looking for someone who’s presence will be a benefit to my life as I plan to be to theirs. I am also very much affected by energy so am looking for someone who is positive, happy and proactive in leading a productive and healthy yet extremely kinky life with someone who adores you but also who has absolutely no problem smiling sweetly at you as she is licking your blood off of her lips.

Expounding on that as intense as I am during play, I am also extremely down to earth, playful and loving. I work a corporate job and am an artist as well, and have a very free spirited goofy side to counter the constantly responsible part of me that is always present. I’m a hopeless romantic who loves nothing more than an Alpha man who is willing to be vulnerable for me and still have hopes that he is out there somewhere.

If you’re still reading this and feel as if you’d like to throw your hat in the ring; I’d love to chat with you. I have a passport and a strong desire for adventure and am ready to start building a life with my Happily Ever After.

On the Other Side of Fear

So much has happened since the last blog entry. Much of it has been amazing but as always life has thrown some pretty significant curve balls just to keep things interesting.

I’ll come back and catch you all up on some of the stories that I’ve been remiss in posting but for now I’d like to FasTrack up to present day:

Muse and I reconciled. We laid out some boundaries that have been very effective in helping with our relationship and we’ve grown exponentially as a couple.

I stopped drinking altogether. As of this writing next week it will be six months since I’ve had any alcohol.

At the end of June Muse came to stay with me for almost two weeks and we had an AMAZING visit. After she left I came to a realization that hit me so hard it’s still affecting us to this day and I’m trying to work through it.

It’s no secret that I came into a poly relationship very strongly identifying as a mono. When I’m in a relationship I’m completely and totally with that person and that person alone. (Random party favors during play to me don’t count and are agreed upon by all parties.) It’s also no secret that Muse is a very unique individual and takes up a lot of space. I never in a million years thought that I would be interested nor could I honestly handle a full time relationship with her and over the last year and half (ish) had fallen into a comfortable routine of seeing her when time allowed; which is averaging every other weekend these days.

When she stayed with me, suddenly we had time. It wasn’t just a weekend filled with play but we were actually able to function as a couple. Nothing was rushed and for the first time in over two years I was able to fall asleep and wake up in the arms of my love. And then one day I went to work and came home to an empty house.

A wave of grief hit me. I’d honestly forgotten how much I enjoyed being in the ongoing presence of my partner and working as a team. It was a perfectly sharpened, finely honed double edged sword.

Now I realize that it may sound almost ridiculous to some for me to say this considering some of the things that I and my partner do together but just because I love differently, it doesn’t mean that my love is any less meaningful. I had just locked away that part of me that allowed that particular emotion to run free and unchecked for more than a few days at a time.

Suddenly I found myself floundering because Muse and her wife are currently dealing with some pretty significant issues and not only am I not in a position to be able to offer any assistance to them; I haven’t wanted to burden my partner with my sudden epiphany. After all, she wasn’t the one who suddenly had a chance of heart, I was.

I’m such a conflicted little Sadist these days. How do I reconcile the fact that my heart and my body come alive when the one who feeds me is within arms reach at any given moment, but she is not available to me as I desire?

We’ve evolved so much over the time we’ve been together what pulses inside me had transformed to a need; much like the air I breathe. I need the fear. I need the agony. I need the blood of another on my lips and coursing through my veins. But I also need the gentle laughter over a private joke, the comfort of falling asleep in my lover’s arms; the sense of accomplishment when we’ve dealt with something mundane as a couple.

I’ve tried repeatedly to reassure her that she’s done nothing wrong and that this is all on me. If anything, it’s because she’s loved me so brilliantly that I’ve realized that it’s time for me to work on finding that missing piece and I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps seeking a primary partner for myself could help to satisfy my aching heart.

Anyone who seeks to go on this little adventure with me would have to understand that my pixie isn’t going anywhere (at least by my choice) and I’m totally new to the poly lifestyle so I have absolutely no idea how I will handle trying to balance multiple relationships.

They would have to be willing to be patient, because I can’t guarantee I’ll do everything right. They would have to understand I’m terrified, because while I’m a Sadist, I would never intentionally harm anyone and somewhere along the lines I’m sure feelings will get hurt. They would have to be kinky because while I love the ice cream melting over a bowl of warm peach cobbler, vanilla does nothing for me in the bedroom. But most of all they would have to be willing to be naked. Not just in body, but in spirit because I can no longer swim in the shallow end of the pool and I need to be partnered with those who are willing to be as raw and wicked, bloody and as vulnerable as I am. My pixie does everything within her power to make sure I have everything I need as she is able, but perhaps I still have a missing piece…

Trial by Ordeal: Be Careful What You Ask For.

Thursday

In a rare turn of events, Daddy came to pick me up from the house this time around. She drove down on Thursday and stayed in my house in Orlando. As she arrived, Mommy had gone upstairs as she felt bad. One trip to the store, and Daddy surprising Mommy with this weird tea stuff and they we’re on the couch laughing and joking like nothing had ever happened.

Thursday night at slept, together, in Mommy’s house in Orlando. While we didn’t fuck, it was still amazing!!!

Friday

The ORIGINAL plan for Friday was for me to be restrained for the trip to Jax. I protested and asked what about needing to pee? Daddy’s response? You’re right, I’ll just have to diaper you. Don’t want any messes in my car.

I was aghast. The MOST I’d ever been immobile and unable to move was maybe an hour. This was daunting at best BUT I was determined to please Daddy and obey.

So on Friday we woke up and packed to get ready to leave. I was told to dress comfortably and to make sure that I wanted to stay in it for 3 hours (or more). I grabbed my best bra and loose tank, and my jeans.

I finished packing and feeding the puppies and went to load Daddy’s car.

Problem, as I got into the car Daddy said her eyes felt weird. Not wanting to die in a fire crash I made the executive decision to drive to breakfast and then, if Daddy felt better after, I would relinquish my driving privilege to her at the first rest stop we passed.

She agreed and off we went.

After breakfast, and right before we hit 95, Daddy needed to pee, ergo I was ordered to hit the nearest rest stop.

“When I come back we are switching so gear up.” She smirked.

I waited until she returned and was ordered to pull off to the side and park the car. I did as I was told and Daddy met me on the passenger side.

She reached into the back seat and retrieved the strait jacket from her pack.

“Arms in princess.”

I complied even though I was mortified by the fact that LITERALLY everyone could see us as plain as day.

Daddy finished the crotch strap and I climbed back into the passenger side of the call. I was belted in and the seat was laid back so I could rest and we were off.

Which is where it got interesting.

We pulled out of the rest stop and were on our way when Daddy looked in the rear view.

“Theres a cop behind me. Fucker is pulling me over!”

My heart stopped. Had someone seen us? Did someone assume I was getting abducted? What did they want? What was I going to say if they asked why I was tied up in the pasenger seat? Was this illegal?

I laid there stone still as the cop reprimanded Daddy in what I can only refer to as true dick cop fashion. Turns out that since she didnt slam on her brakes and cause an accident to move over while he and his buddy had pulled someone over; it was a problem that HAD to be dealt with.

He left the window and I asked Daddy to undo my arms. At least if I was mobile he couldnt have an issue if he saw me. She deftly moved to undo my arm strap and free me, to an extent as the jerk returned.

“Im only going to give you a warning just move over next time!” The dick with a badge admonished and then disappeared. He made a show of he and his partner speeding off convinced of their superiority.

Daddy laughed nervously and then smiled at me.

“Time to button you back up.” she giggled as she re-restrained me and we were off.

We arrived home and I was freed after we found that Gizmo and Tater had left Daddy presents in her absence.

We chilled out for a while and I began dinner (salmon as usual). During this time Daddy began to chop up and puree jalapenos. Her new theory on getting deep into my head was to use capsaicin to get me really stoned and then use her new found interest in hypnosis to crawl her way into my head.

We finished dinner and I was ordered to the bathroom and to strip. I knew what was coming and it was REALLY unsettling. I usually dont play when im intoxicated but this wasnt intoxication….it was technically forced subspace.

I knelt on the floor and waited for Daddy to plug me in and was rewarded soon with the rush of Hulk green liquid coming from the enema bag.

Problem

Capsaicin makes my intestines spasm and this stuff was 100% pure and it was EXTREMELY effective

I was so high i could look down at the International space station and it was causing my intestines to spasm….hard. I begged and pleaded for Daddy to allow me to release and she relented not wanting to have to clean her floor.

Just like the first time I was so high that it was hard to stay ON the toilet and I remember hearing Daddy cackle as I came to the realization that, this time, the Jalapenos burned upon their exit.

My ass was ablaze and I was having a hard time staying up right.

I finished up and collapsed on the floor.

“Come to bed sweetheart, I cant do anything with you like this.”

I crawled to the bed and finally lay down beside my love as she stroked her fingers up and down my body.

She calmly curved her arm up around my head and dug her fingers into her newly acquired access point through my third eye.

Time stopped

What happened next is a blur and she will have to fill in but I remember seeing numbers flash in the darkness only to be consumed by fire.

More showed up slower afterwards and were blown away like smoke. I remember feeling relaxed and hearing Daddys voice in my head like thunder but not much else.

We drifted off to sleep after we made love and I slept like a rock.

Sat:

Saturday was spent running errands and I was told that, in the evening I was to be made into Daddy’s doll.

Tits and cock sewn up so that I was sexless. An object for Daddy to admire and play with.

I cringed at the thought BUT I wanted to go through it. I had asked about it after all and Daddy was really excited.

We came home and I was ordered to strip and lay on the butterfly board. THIS time however, i was face down.

The cuffs went on and Daddy went to work on me.

Floggers, Paddles, and canes.

“Count down from 300 like last night, princess.”

Her voice changed and I could feel it more than hear it. It was soft but consuming me utterly.

The impact got harder. I was held fast by her trance and it was terrifying.

I kept telling myself; “Just open your eyes and fight back!” but my body refused to listen.

The impact got harder.

“Go to your cage princess I dont want to hear or see you until I call.”

I vanished into the darkness and the pain changed. It still hurt but I was at peace and calmer than ever.

After a while the pain stopped and I felt Daddy at my ear. From the darkness I heard.

“Im going to undo your restraints and you are to turn over.”

My body complied even though I wasnt piloting it. This was surreal.

I lay on my back and revelled in the blackness when HE showed up.

“You know whats coming? Shes going to have someone stitch you up you stupid little whore!

WAKE UP!

This is not what we were trained to do!”

I could hear the mounting panic in HIS voice but this time, as my heart rate rose, I grew calmer. HIS hold on me would slip and then return almost as if he was trying to shake me awake to no avail.

HE faded after some time when I heard the door open. People had arrived, Daddys freinds were here to make her doll a reality.

I could hear voices but not place who they were.

I felt cold as metal strapping was secured around me.

“I know this seems a bit much but TRUST me its warranted.” Daddy explained to her guests as I was literally bolted into place.

“Muse do you want to see who is here? Come back up and you can see who is here. You know who they are.”

I tried to open my eyes but the trance was too deep and I couldnt.

“Its ok baby, stay down. Dont come up till youre called.”

I felt my head being lifted and the muzzle being buckled onto my head.

I was efectively mute for the the foreseeable future.

I fell deeper into the black as Sir commanded and relaxed.

The next thing I remember is cold followed by a pain that I havent felt in literally decades.

Problem with me is that I heal fast….incredibly fast for a mortal apparently. So much so that Daddy has a hard time causing me to bleed when she wants to feed off of me.

I also have thick skin as I would later find out.

My tormenter pierced my right breast and the world exploded into fire.

I was brought out of space and immediately in dangerous territory as all I wanted was out and away. Every fiber of my being screamed at me to backup and gain ground to reassess and destroy my attacker.

Daddy saw who was coming and paused her instructor.

“Stay down baby, its ok.”

For the first time I spoke to Daddy

“No its not, I cant be muzzled for this.” I struggled to communicate through the leather holding me prisoner.

Suddenly I felt my core and my body growing cold. I was shivering and didnt know why.

I asked for a blanket thinking that the cold was causing my pain as the suture that had been completed wasnt painful.

My eyes were open but I didnt know the people who were present.

I panicked.

Had I forgotten people? I was sure I didnt know the two that were present.

Daddy explained that it was Brandy (Whom I had spoken to online) and her Daddy, Daddy James.

I warmed myself and the executive decision was made to change to staples after a failed attempt to suture my lower extremities.

I like staples (about as much as I can given I HATE needles) a LOT better than sutures as the pain combined with my thick hide cause me to panic.

I greeted my tormentors and made my usual jokes as Daddy retrieved the stapler.

I asked to be unrestrained for the rest of the ordeal as this goal had become more about pride than facing the pain. I was determined to do this to showcase my devotion to Daddy and being her slavegirl.

During this time I asked what time it was and was met with a time two hours later than I was aware of.

During the trance I was under I had managed to lose 3 hours.

It took a while but both tits and Daddys cock were finally hidden away behind pieces of steel. I was in an amazing symphony of pain but strangely I was loving every second of it.

I was given permission to stand when I asked for permission to cook for Daddy and her guests since I had taken so long to get my staples put in.

Problem was that we needed things from Publix and, by this point, I had learned that Brandy and I manage to supercharge each others brat and it was GLORIOUS!

I also found out that, by this point, that the pain was deep enough and constant enough to cause me aftershock orgasms.

This was anything but upsetting.

The decision was made for me to get dressed and go get the groceries needed for dinner. I didnt want to drive alone however as I didnt know what my reaction would be in a car, let alone in Publix.

Brandy helped me through Publix and talked to me about her rules with her Daddy as we drove back.

Upon returning and beginning to cook dinner I found that movement could now cause me to orgasm without warning and i couldnt control it.

This fact was amusing to Daddy as well as Daddy James and it was capitalized on FREQUENTLY.

I began cooking and laughed and joked with our new found friends in the kitchen. During this time I learned that I was able to trigger Brandy’s Daddy into his Dom mode by misbehaving and being bratty to him. At one point I was told that my actions would cause Brandy pain which only served to send me into high brat gear.

That was until MY Daddy stepped in to put a stop to it.

I finished dinner and became after dinner entertainment as I was ordered to sit on the floor.

Daddy pulled my yoga tights up and produced her Hitachi. She found that running it over the staples would cause me to build to orgasm.

I reached my apex and was made to beg for release in front of our company.

I.

Was.

Mortified.

Then begged like a wanton whore to be allowed to cum.

I was granted release and I exploded in front of Brandy and her Daddy.

Afetr the show was done it was time for Brandy and her Sir to go home. They lived far and it was near midnight.

We hugged and I went to hug Daddy James goodbye.

It was at this point I realized my folly when James pulled me in for a hug.

Hard.

Grinding his sternum into my stapled tits.

The pain was deliberate……and deserved……but really painful.

Daddy James laughed and they left to head home.

Daddy sent me to our room and followed shortly after.

She laid me out and marvelled at her work. Her doll had finally arrived and she wasnt going to waste a second taking full advantage.

She ran her tongue along the staples of my newly formed vagina and lowered herself between my legs.

Her tongue began to probe and tease me. I felt my cock begin to stiffen and realized that I had an orgasm building as Daddy was “eating me out” like the girl I always yearned to be.

I was in paradise and on my way to cumming

Daddy knew what she was doing and held me fast as her tongue moved in and out of my slit.

Just as soon as she started she stopped.

“Roll over and put your pussy in the air.”

Her voice came sternly and with the force of a freight train.

I was hesitant and received a slap for my reticence.

I rolled over and raised my hips and my hole was met with Daddys new favorite toy; her borrowed Fucksall.

She buried the rubber phallus deep in me and pulled the trigger.

I felt my cock harden and was terrified I would have to feel it pushing on my staples but the orgasm I was building to killed the fear just as quickly as it started.

I was exhausted but I needed Daddy fiercely.

I needed the staples out though which Daddy was all too happy to oblige.

I cant remember whose idea it was but I was tasked with taking out the staples which was a mindfuck all on its own.

Once done the camera was done away with and I needed Daddy. I kissed her deeply and began to play and toy with her.

At one point my fingers ended up in Daddy’s pussy and I was fingering her deeply as I kissed all over her and talked to her about our adventures.

The staples coupled with my fingers pounding her G-spot sent Daddy over the edge to the point she squirted all over the covers.

Much to my surprise and hers as well.

We cleaned ourselves up and climbed into bed. I cuddled her close feeling both peace and

pride in having gone through the ordeal to showcase my devotion to my owner and my love.

We both fell into a deep sleep

Sunday

We didnt play much on Sunday. Its become a ritual that Daddy takes a nap and I clean up and pack my gear before we leave. She takes me halfway home and meets up with Mommy. It helps her and me to ease out of the weekend and it helps Daddy because I dont disappear after an intense weekend.

Paradise is coming back and im hopeful for the future for once in a very long time.

Maybe one day the war will end. It feels good to have hope again.

The return

Ever since Daddy and I got back together I have been looking for cheaper ways to get to her. One of those ways has become AMTRAK as it’s dependable…ish and leaves Mommy with a vehicle to use whilst I am in dispose.

So on Friday afternoon I boarded the train that would take me to my inevitable destruction at the hands of my Daddy.

I texted her and was told I would be retrieved by someone but didn’t need to worry about whom. I was to follow their instructions without fail and they would deliver me to Daddy as she instructed.

Needless to say that I was worried and voiced as much. Daddy, in her usual way, reminded me that I am her property and it didn’t matter if I was worried because she had taken care of insuring my safe delivery to her.

All that was required of me was to obey.

I said; “Yes Daddy” with my usual sass and was rewarded with the knowledge that I would be paying for that as well as what I had said the day before.

The day prior Daddy told me that I was making my signature Sriracha Salmon for her and that she needed a list. I supplied it and she told me that she would retrieve the items and cook the rice to put on ice until my arrival.

Problem with that is; I’m not enough of an adult to let a snide comment slide by when I see an opportunity to be impish.

SOOO after she told me all that I replied;

“Good Girl”

That’s when the text chat went silent and I could FEEL the room get colder.

HUGE mistake.

I apologized as I thought I had managed to trip onto a landmine of Daddy’s but she moved the convo forward and I, mostly, forgot about it.

Pickup

The train was late, thank you AMTRAK, and I was getting nervous. Daddy is all about punctuality and, while the train isn’t my fault, it did mean I kept my ride waiting. I was nervous as Hell; depending on who was waiting I had the chance of catching a beating from two Dommes or worse.

I had my assumptions on who it was; either Bravo number 2 ( whom I had only spoken with through chat….and been a brat to) or Foxtrot.

Bravo 2 was an unknown but, from our conversations seemed mischievous enough to cause me pause.

Foxtrot was Daddy’s bestie and, to be honest, didn’t worry me as I assumed (as I would later discover was way beyond wrong) that she was somewhat passive. Energetic and fun but not the D-type.

The train pulled in and I stepped off walking right into my fate.

My delivery driver ( and Daddy’s co-conspirator) was Foxtrot.

I breathed a sigh of relief about the time that I realized how utterly fucked I was. Foxtrot is one of Daddy’s closest friends and, because of that, has the most leeway when it comes to dealing with Daddy’s property.

We hugged and I told her I was glad it was her as we left the crowded train station. We approached her car and I loaded my stuff into her trunk when she stopped me.

“Where is your muzzle?”

I hesitated and she repeated the question this time more stern.

“It’s in my pack why?”

She smiled.

“Daddy has strict orders that you are to be muzzled. Get in the car.”

I complied and sat in the passenger seat as Foxtrot drove out of view of the public. I donned my muzzle effectively silencing myself as ordered and waited for what was to come next. I had never been under another’s control at Daddy’s direction and I didn’t want to find out what would happen if I disobeyed.

Foxtrot produced my shackles, the ones that screw closed.

“Daddy’s orders are also that you be shackled. Be glad I’m nice and they aren’t behind you. I’m trying not to hurt your shoulder.”

She shackled me and we set off to Daddy’s house.

During the ride Foxtrot admonished me for being mouthy and disrespectful to Daddy online and that, were I her property, she wouldn’t put up with it. She also told me that she knew that Daddy loved me and that I loved her and she was happy to see Daddy happy with her girl back in her possession.

“Did you bring Daddy’s shirt?”

I raised my shackled hands in an “I don’t know” gesture and giggled.

“You better hope you did! You’re in a lot of trouble for that you know.”

I pulled out my phone and began texting her as I couldn’t talk.

“Who are you texting? Mommy? Daddy?”

I hit send and shook my head.

“The only people you get to communicate with are Mommy and Daddy. That’s it, no phone for you!” She admonished as she took it from my hands.

I sat back and breathed as easily as I could with leather and EVA cupping my face and began to do what I ALWAYS do. Fiddle with my restraints.

As we rode in pseudo-silence I began to poke and prod at my shackles. I had yet to best these and figured I may as well occupy myself with that task.

*SLAP!!!*

“I don’t think so Houdini. Hands palm down and don’t touch your shackles. I’m being nice by having you cuffed in front. I could have done them behind but I didn’t want to mess with your shoulder. Don’t make me stop and correct that.

I complied fearing the repercussions of disobedience from her let alone Daddy.

I sat the rest if the ride without incident and felt my heart beat faster as we approached Daddy’s driveway. I knew I was in for it but I didn’t know how bad. I honestly had stolen the shirt but that didn’t matter. I had made off with Daddy’s property, one of her favorites, and I was in for it.

Foxtrot and Daddy

As we pulled to a stop in the driveway, Foxtrot turned and began my instructions.

“You are to get out of the car and crawl to Daddy’s doorstep. You may not stand.”

I got out of the car and began to crawl which was a LOT more difficult than previously assumed. However, by the end of it, I was moving fairly well.

I crawled inside to find Daddy waiting in all her glory. She hadnt undressed from work and pointed to where she stood.

“Kneel. Here.”

She ran her fingers through my hair and grabbed a fistful just as I was relaxing. She yanked my head up and told me to look into her eyes.

“You screwed up princess, you have no friends here tonight. Its just me and Foxtrot. By the way, she isnt on your side so dont even think about misbehaving.”

She let me go and turned to look at Foxtrot.

“I like the crawling”

Foxtrot smiled and replied;

“Given the car ride over here and her escape attempt I figured she needed to enter your house more penetant than the ride over.”

Bella returned her gaze to me as I began to giggle at my escape attempt.

Bad idea

For my effort and insolence I was rewarded with a swift kick to my abdomen which caught me by complete surprise.

I hit the floor gasping for air through my nostrils as the muzzle held my jaw tightly.

Sir moved quickly and undid my muzzle and shackles.

“Get undressed and go make dinner. Dont fuck it up.”

I rose and began my task of cooking Salmon in Sriracha sauce, Daddys favorite.

I fed Foxtrot and Daddy with little to no screwups. Foxtrot was awesome and complimented my skill.

Then came time to pay the piper, I had stolen and not JUST stolen but from Daddy. Deliberate or no, that had to be answered.

I was moved to the artroom and quickly secured to the butterfly board so that Daddy could begin her evil designs.

“You asked earlier if you could help Foxtrot as she was having a rough time. Offered yourself up to be a punching bag if memory serves. WIsh granted. I have other things to work with you on. Foxtrot, she is yours for the evening.”

I saw a cruel smile creep across Foxtrots face as she walked to Daddys play case and began to retrieve toys.

In the interim, Daddy had begun screwing me to the butterfly board and making sure I couldnt get away. She attached my cuffs and then took position at my head.

Before all of this Daddy had managed to find a “Button” that would shut me off. I have two now that I know of; One on the back of my neck near my head and one where my third eye sits. Pushing either causes me to relax completely and to basically shut off. Not pass out, think like grabbing a cat by the scruff, they chill out; same thing.

Foxtrot went to work and, i will begrudgingly admit, that I didnt know she could hit as deliberately as she did. It was awesome.

What made it even worse was that during the whole process, I would get overwhelmed sensation-wise with the amount of pain that I was being made to suffer through so I began to fight back and struggle.

Which is where Daddy came in.

I felt her claws dig into my third eye and then I felt Hiss’ claws dig into my psyche.

“Go to your cage.”

Ive learned to love and hate that phrase. Daddy, before she began the whole hypnotism thing, had managed to build space in my head that she can “send” me too and my body will go still. Ive been trained, somewhat, to stay there until im called again which usually means she ramps up the painto see how much she can throw at me before I cant maintain in my cage anymore.

The second I went limp I felt Foxtrot brace her feet on my legs immobilizing them from movement.

Then she started hitting harder…..including my cock.

From my cage I could feel the pain getting worse and worse until finally I broke. The catharsis was intoxicating and my head began to reel. Waves of memory crashed over me like waves onto rocks in my mind.

I was uncuffed and sat back upright. Which is when it hit me. I could smell the sweat and plywood and suddenly I was back at 18 again. My body ached and my shoulder was damaged. I felt a wave of fear hit me as I knew I would be in it for getting hurt. Hurt fighters dont make money and that would cost me. I looked around and I wasnt in Daddys house anymore. I was sitting on the floor of that arena and trying to get up.

I dont remember what happened next until Daddy threw water on me to shock me awake. I was exhausted and terrified that I had “tapped out” too early.

“I can keep going, im ok. Youve only been working on me for five minutes!” I was terrified that I hadnt fulfilled my duty to help Foxtrot and that bothered me deeply.

“Baby, weve been at this for three hours.” Daddy held me as I tried desperately to come back to my senses.

They finished un bolting me and I stood shakily to my feet. I stumbled back to Daddys bedroom and collapsed in a heap on her bed.

I remember them talking and Sir saying;

“Shes useless on that end, lets go with plan B.”

I wondered at the statement and soon got my answer.

“Pixie, face down, pussy in the air.”

She ordered me matter-of-factly and I did my best to comply.

A few seconds later I felt her lube syringe enter me and leave its load, prepping me for what was to come.

I felt a familiar pressure at my entrance and relaxed into it. This one was new and strange though and I began to lift up when I heard the motor begin to hum.

What happened next is a blur and I remember losing myself in ecstacy for quite some time.

The sawzall Foxtrot had, was modified to fit a cock. Ive cut through steel with one of these machines and now it was reaming me with the same force. It was like a vibrator and fucking machine all rolled into one.

I thrashed and moan like a wonton whore as I was brought to orgasm, finally exploding and collapsing on the bed in exhaustion.

Foxtrot kissed my destroyed form and thanked me for being her punching bag for the evening and ran her fingers through my hair.

I heard her leave but I dont remember if I said thank you, i hope so…..Sir despises rudeness from her girl.

I fell into a deep sleep and snuggled Daddy until Saturday morning.

Saturday

One of my (many) kinks is to be an object for my owners; a thing for their specific desires. I usually ask what kind of clothing they like, hairstyle they want me to have, even down to my piercings and underwear. All of it, I want to be their desire (for instance: Mommy wants my tongue pierced with a slave ring as I have a tendency to talk too much. Daddy wants her cock pierced with a PA so that she can install a permanent chastity that is attached to my piercing.)

Mommys tastes tend toward more gothic/punk themes; Daddy’s not so much. Sir likes her pixie cute and fragile looking so that destroying her is all the more fun. She wants the picture of feminine and she loves “cute” lingerie. This is something I struggled with accomodating.

Slutty I can do, cutesy not so much. Thus I enlisted the help of my best friend ever Erin! We spent hours on Amazon and she spent a not-inconsiderable amount of time hassling Daddy for her opinions. Time which I paid for later, but I digress.

Daddy sat on the couch Saturday afternoon, we spent a large amount of time sleeping and then stopped by the Arts Market where I had my first ever Empanada (wasnt impressed but there is room to improve)

We had plans later that night to meet some friends of ours but we had time to kill beforehand. Daddy sat on the couch with Tater and I instructed her (yup i done told her!) to close her eyes as I had a surprise for her.

She complied and off I went.

Some time later I re-emerged from Daddys room and walked to face her as she sat with eyes closed.

“Open Daddy.”

I saw her eyes slowly open, get wider, then Hiss took over.

“Very nice.” She hissed as she took in the view before her.

I was wearing a short sleep dress, garter belt, adorable panties and 6 inch heels. My hair had been straightened and I smiled as she eyed her prize.

I leaned at the waist and came close to Sir’s ear. The energy was crackling from her and was almost tangible.

“Ruin me”

I whispered and stepped back with an impish smirk. I turned to walk to the bedroom and Hiss was quick to follow behind.

The door shut and I was instructed to lie face down on the bed with my ass in the air.

I slid onto the bed and raised my pussy for Daddy to ravage and waited patiently.

I felt her move and began hearing chains on either side of the bed. My plan involved her fucking me retarded but Hiss had other plans.

She was hungry and she was out for blood.

“Im assuming you like this so me cutting it off wont be happening?”

“Please no Daddy.”

“Pity. I have other ideas.”

She knelt on the bed and began to place mitts on my hands. I protested and was slapped for my effort.

Once Hiss was satisfied that her prey was secured she began to break out her toys.

“Daddy, this isnt what I had in mind!”

She instructed me to be silent and moved behind me. Thinking I was about to have Sir’s cock balls deep in me I shivered.

Daddy moved her hands to the lower hem of my dress and began to raise the fabric revealing her waiting prize. I was so ready to be taken I could taste it and I waited for my panties to start sliding.

I was mistaken in my assumption.

Daddy moved my panties up and out of her way and started in with her first tool.

She worked on me for a few minutes to warm me up switching from paddle to cane to slapper and back again.

As I screamed at the machinations she moved to her case and paused for a brief second.

Then it came.

I felt a thousand tiny stings begin to hit me as she ravaged my ass with a grill brush. The strikes continued but I held my position. The assault was relentless and I knew that I was bleeding but Daddy wasnt done.

I felt her tongue begin to lap up my blood and reach for another tool.

The next few moments are a blur but I tried to run which was when Sir decided her food no longer needed to move. I struggled to crawl away and Sir sat on my back and hips forcing my head into the bed.

“Go to your cage!”

I felt time and reality slip away as I was dragged into the darkness of my mind.

The pain increased and I swam back to the top into the world. I screamed and thrashed.

“Quiet and go to your cage! Dont come out until I say to. Daddy has work to do and I dont want to hear a peep out of you!

I was dragged back to the safety of the darkness. Any time I COULD resurface, my lips may as well have been welded shut as I couldnt make a sound.

Th eonslaught continued unti Daddys tools were a bloody mess and I was heaving and panting to catch my breath.

I passed out from the euphoria and Daddy freed me from my bonds. She held me as I cried and rocked me until I was fast asleep.

Upon waking I noticed it was evening. Daddy had me shower and do my hair as we had an engagement to attend with some friends of ours.

I got dressed sliding my panties up over my now hamburgered ass cheeks. The pain was amazing and very very deliberate

I did as instructed and put on the long black skirt and halter that Mommy had gifted me. I debated on wearing my leather pride flag but went with comfort instead. Which was fortunate as Daddy had a surprise she wanted on me as well; my brand new UPGRADED shock collar.

Aside: I modified a shock collar because the traditional one only has 2 points of contact to deliver a shock.

Great for a dog

Not useful on people. SO I modified it. Now the shock would deliver to all points on my neck (Not dangerous, not enough amps or volts so chill)

It was attached and off we went.

Daddy drove for once and didnt miss an opportunity to dig into my legs as she drove.

We arrived at the bootrack and walked toward the door. I was instructed to be on my best behavior and not to embarrass Daddy or there would be consequences.

I nodded and we headed to the door.

As I walked in I began to hear a scream and turned to see Miss Jae running toward me with her arms out headed for a hug. She wrapped her arms around me and kissed me as she smiled and said it was amazing that I was there.

Ogre didnt scream but I did get a mammoth sized hug and lifted off the ground. We exchanged small talk for a sec and went to the bar to hang out.

The night was amazing……..then Daddy decided to give the remote to Miss Jae.

She wasted no time putting it to use. Thankfully, when she went to the restroom to test the range she messed up and pushed the wrong but that was corrected as soon as she returned. I was now firmly in Jae’s control.

In what I can describe as a moment of insanity I decided it’s be a good idea to relieve her of my remote.

Bad life choice

As quickly as I moved forward my hair was grabbed and ripped backward.

Even faster was the speed at which she availed herself of my septum ring.

She grasped the ring between her thumb and forefinger and held tight.

I froze considering that piece of steel is literally IN me .

“Kneel”

I shot a side glance at her but stayed motionless.

“Come on down, down, on your knees; there we go.” She chided with decision on the edge of her voice.

I rested on my knees until I was told to rise again, now FULLY aware of my place in this world again.

We bid farewell and hugged then began to make our way back home.

As we lay in bed that night Daddy got a spark of evil and decided it was time for her to test drive her new sounds.

I laid stone still as rod after rod found it’s purchase in Daddy’s cock and moaned like a wanting whore as my g-spot was probed over and over.

Then came the Hitachi. The evil thing.

She drove a sound deep into me and let it sit at the base of my cock.

Then the vibrator found a new home nestled astride of the shaft of the sound deep within me.

The pleasure was almost unbearable as wave after wave off orgasms came to me.

Finally in on pitious help I begged Daddy for release which she granted and I exploded all over the bed.

Consciousness was no longer an option after and I fell asleep with Daddy in my embrace.

Sunday

We have a rule that Sunday is Daddy’s day for rest and refilling her cup. After all, what use is a Goddess who gets no worship?

This Sunday, however, Daddy hadn’t had enough. Mainly because her prey, while delicious, was lacking. She hungered for the girl and was determined to get her back.

I wish I remembered more but the parts that aren’t blurry are him screaming that the girl was gone and never coming back at her during the throes of pain. Daddy, an expert tormentor, held her ground and told HIM that he could stay but needles would be his only comfort. This terrified the dark one and he ran; back to his home in the courtyard.

With his absence came a small girl from the darkness. Timid and scared but determined to rise. Like a match yearns to be a fire. The girl climbed to the light and up into the world to embrace her Daddy once again. Vowing never to run away ever again.