If you’ve read any of my previous writing then you know that I have a tendency to go into vivid detail about my personal life and experiences so you already know that there will be times you’ll die laughing, times you may feel empathetic, times you may feel absolutely horrified and perhaps at times even a bit angry or even disgusted.
I get it. I truly do. Sometimes I feel all of those things as well.
The beautiful part of being at this stage in my life is that I’m at the point where I’m no longer bending over backwards trying to fit in and conform to anyone else’s ideals of who or what I should be when I grow up. And the most incredible and satisfying part of that somehow is that along the way in trying to find myself; I’ve also started to be able to help other misfits find their own voices and be less alone in this world as well. Somehow simply by being willing to share my own story I’ve found that my life has become richer in ways I never expected, simply by allowing others to feel less alone in their uniqueness.
In short if you are easily offended or triggered, homo or transphobic, have an issue with the description of kink activities or just typically walk around with your knickers in a knot; this blog may not be for you.
On the other hand if you want to follow along with the real life activities of someone willing to put everything out there in the hopes that it may offer hope, strength, or comfort to someone else then please pull up a chair. I promise if you peek through your fingers long enough there will be some entertaining stuff there too as I have no problem posting the bloopers and am typically the first person to throw myself under the bus.
In short, I’m a 52 year old who has been in the BDSM lifestyle since I was introduced to it at the age of 18 when I was talked into participating in a photo shoot by my roommate and the photographer brought props. Little did I know that the chance meeting would change the course of my life.
Over the years I married and divorced twice, gave birth to twin boys who are now 23 years old and for 6 years ran the largest BDSM lifestyle group in North Florida with the help of some amazing friends and co moderators.
Up until a year and a half ago I was in a state of domesticated settlement. Notice I didn’t say bliss – because it wasn’t blissful. It was comfortable. It was predictable. I had lost my sparkle and had become complacent in my own life and a shell of the person I once was.
At that point I had been in a relationship for almost nine years and he and I had given up the BDSM group years before because the local community had lost itself to a world we no longer recognized or wanted any part of. All I did was work and come home to work on art projects, a hobby I’d only started up in the last few years.
After an unexpected breakup I bought a house a mile down the street and with basically nothing more than the clothes on my back and a mattress, I started to rebuild my life. It was a few days before closing on my house that I saw an old acquaintance and facebook friend had posted her announcement that she was trans and I reached out my hand in friendship, offering to let her come visit me in Jacksonville.
Queue the Muse:
She and I started communicating and she told me she was married, and poly. We started talking about her coming up and spending the weekend with me to see if we were compatible and little did I know how much my life would once again change, starting that weekend. Before she came I had already started making changes in myself I’d wanted to address for years but hadn’t in an effort to keep the peace with my family. (Changing my hair color, getting my septum pierced.) But bringing this beautiful creature into my world changed me in ways I never would have anticipated. She single handedly made me question some judgements I’d carried with me for pretty much my entire life, and not only question them but rethink and abolish them. While the relationship itself has not always been an easy one, it has certainly been the most powerful and rewarding one I’ve had in my adult life. It’s not only reintroduced me to a person I thought was long gone; but has also brought me to a deeper level of understanding of who I am at the very core both as an artist and a woman. For that I am eternally grateful.
While it may be seen as a negative the relationship has also brought to the surface some vulnerabilities and insecurities that I didn’t realize were present; but I recognize the value in that as well. I’m still here. I’m still with her, working through issues together and being present as much as time and distance will allow. Sometimes it feels like it would be so much easier to just give up and for each of us to go back to our respective corners but once I tasted her blood on my lips I knew that there was no digging out of this particular rabbit hole. I’ve not handled it all as gracefully at times as I wish I would have but I feel I’m doing the best I can under the circumstances.
I still maintain that I am not poly though I have discovered I have no problem sharing her love and affection. It isn’t sharing her emotionally that I struggle with; it’s simply the fact that I find myself miserable being alone so much of the time. Having four days out of thirty at best is heartbreaking and will never get any easier and we fight regularly due to issues stemming mainly from the geographical challenges.
Recently I’ve posted a personal ad on a dating website and though I’ve chatted with several people I’m not really optimistic about the possibility of meeting someone I am interested in and am concerned that if I do that it could potentially cause problems with Muse because I honestly believe I’m simply not built to divide my love and attention between multiple people to that kind of level. I’m willing to give it a shot but am very cautiously approaching it all.
In the meanwhile I have a long time friend who has recently reentered my life that I am spending time with who has been extremely helpful with keeping the loneliness at bay, and a couple of young trans friends (one I just met) that it appears I’ll also be spending time with. The trans friends identify as littles (my girlfriend has a little side as well) and Things around here are getting very interesting, indeed. It seems like several of the people I’ve surrounded myself with as of late are works in progress and my home is becoming a safe haven of sorts. Growing up as an outsider and one who never wanted to fit in but always wanted to be accepted, this makes me incredibly happy.
So in summation I’m a non poly pansexual chick in a long distance poly relationship with a married trans female. My entire house is pretty much set up as an adult playground with attachment points everywhere, a dungeon room complete with bondage bed and adult sized metal cage and a naughty closet that I padlock my girl into. I’m deviously but playfully sadistic, and she’s a heavy masochist with alter personalities that sometimes kick in when we play and life is never dull. Coming up here shortly I may actually be hosting play dates for these young ladies to get together and enjoy hanging out in little mode. I suspect it will be very much like herding a bunch of naughty, bratty, mischievous cats. Or should I have simply said cats?
This is primarily my blog but she will be posting on it upon occasion. She’s finally coming in on Friday after being gone for six weeks and I can’t wait to catch her up on all that she’s missed…I’ll be sure to do so after I’ve pulled her out of my trunk and pulled all of the duct tape off of her. It’s going to be a long and especially bumpy ride home from the train station on Friday night, my love.