The Broken and The Damned – Originally published 09/08/18

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She makes fun of my love for My Chemical Romance, but after her homecoming to 2.0 last night, I can’t help but hear the words from Welcome to The Black Parade in my head:

When I was a young boy
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band
He said, son, when you grow up
Would you be the savior of the broken
The beaten, and the damned?
He said, will you defeat them
Your demons and all the non-believers?
The plans that they have made?
Because one day I’ll leave you
A phantom to lead you in the summer
To join the black parade
When I was a young boy
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band
He said, son, when you grow up
You will be the savior of the broken
The beaten, and the damned?
Sometimes I get the feeling
She’s watching over me
And other times I feel like I should go
And through it all
The rise and fall
The bodies in the streets
And when you’re gone, we want you all to know
We’ll carry on, we’ll carry on
And though you’re dead and gone, believe me
Your memory will carry on
We’ll carry on
And in my heart I can’t contain it

The anthem won’t explain it A world that sends you reeling
From decimated dreams
Your misery and hate will kill us all
So paint it black
And take it back
Let’s shout it loud and clear
Defiant to the end
We hear the call to
To carry on

Last night took us somewhere we haven’t been before, and thought I’ve only had a few hours sleep I’m sitting here with my coffee trying to process it all.

If you’ve been following along throughout our journey you’re familiar with the road we’re traveling. we are trying on a M/s dynamic to see if it’s fitting.

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Surprisingly, not only has it seemed to help muse immensely, I find that I’ve comfortably fallen into a role that previously I would have avoided at all costs. While my interests and activities in the lifestyle may be considered somewhat extreme; my general demeanor is very laid back and low key. The thought of doing this with her was intimidating, but after the subject coming up repeatedly, something compelled me to move forward with it and here we are.

You’ve likely seen that things have been rocky, with all of the various issues we’ve had including my using alcohol to self medicate, health issues, distance and a serious lack of communication. Initially I thought now would be an awful time to work on introducing this type of dynamic but it truly has seemed to help and for that I’m grateful.

As discussed before, muse has alters. She doesn’t have multiple personality disorder but something that looks like it – she has different personalities that pop up depending on what she is dealing with at any given time. The first time we played Ronin made his presence known. A dark, violent character that completely blocks out pain and will stand up no matter what has been done to him. He honestly terrified me, as I’ve never dealt with anything like this and have never seen someone physically transform in front of me like muse did when Ronin appeared.

Next I was introduced to Nixie, the seven year old girl child. She’s playful and mischievous. She frequently gets into trouble with her antics and she was one I was initially reluctant to deal with

because I find brats annoying and cumbersome but she’s an important part of muse as she represents the childhood that muse was denied.

After 10 weeks of not seeing each other, muse came home two weeks ago and we worked on putting the pieces of our relationship back together where damage and mistrust had tried to settle in. In spite of both of us still being in the midst of trying to heal the weekend was successful in many ways, and we were able to part ways feeling as if something good had been accomplished and we were back on track.

Friday night rolled around and she arrived home before I did. As I had been working on some things for her the night before, a few chores around the house hadn’t been completed so she’d been instructed to work on those before I got home.

When I arrived she unloaded the groceries and put them away. She led me to my living room chair and handed me a glass of tea she had waiting for me. When she finished with her chores I had her kneeling at my feet so we could have a conversation which led into the exposure of someone new.

I asked her to remind me about some of the things we’d discussed working on. She has a few horrible habits that I’m trying to steer her away from and she sat listening to me as I rattled them off. I pointed out that when she unloaded my car, she left it unlocked. Details are important to me and while I appreciate everything that is done on my behest; I expect tasks to be executed properly without me having to go behind someone to verify that it was completed to my satisfaction.

She apologizes, constantly. She apologizes for her thoughts. For expressing her fears, needs and desires although I’ve made it clear that in order for me to be most effective I need to hear them. She apologizes for being a burden. At times it feels like she apologizes for merely existing. It’s heartbreaking and unnecessary.

She belittles herself, referring to herself as if she’s a waste of time and energy. She has lived in darkness for so long she feels she’s undeserving of the love that Osha and I give to her without reservation and this conversation comes up regularly. It’s absolutely maddening.

While speaking with her about these things I told her that if she kept reiterating to me the things that she says about herself to me; that eventually she was going to be successful in convincing me that she is destined to always be the nothing that she portrays herself to be – the waste of time – and that if this behavior continued that she would be successful in pushing me away.

The whole time I was speaking to her, she kept avoiding my eyes. I spoke softly and deliberately to her. I told her I needed for this behavior to stop.

While speaking to her, muse disappeared. During the conversation I studied her closely as I could see various pieces of her popping through. The girl popped in and out and I’m pretty sure Ronin appeared for a second, but when the brief period of cycling stopped there was a stranger sitting in front of me.

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When it happens; muse literally disappears. Her body language changes. Her face changes. She had avoided my gaze up until this point and I demanded she look at me. When she finally met my gaze I was looking at a stranger.

“Who are you?” I asked.

“I am me” was the reply.

“Who is me?” I prodded.

What came out of my love’s mouth at that point was startling. She said “I am…” and used her given name.

The boy child had appeared.

He looked confused, as if I’d asked a silly question.

I repeated his name back to him.

He recoiled as if I’d slapped him full force across the face.

I tried to talk to him, to assure him that all was okay and he was safe. Whenever I touched him he jerked away from me as if my hands were on fire. It was obvious that he was scared and confused and it was taking everything in his power to stay rooted to the spot where I’d put him. A few minutes later he retreated but his presence hung heavily over the room.

Muse had told me that Ronin had all but disappeared and had been replaced by something she couldn’t identify yet, but she knew it was waiting in the shadows. Last night he made himself known.

When we were discussing it shortly thereafter she made it clear she wasn’t happy that he had appeared because the dead needed to stay dead. As I told her, he was never given the opportunity for a proper goodbye and ignoring him isn’t going to make him go away. Now that he’s shown himself I feel he needs a voice too so he can properly be put to rest instead of cut off or ignored. I am in no way, shape or form interested in or trying to regress muse into going back to her previous life, but I do want her to address it so we can move forward in a healthier manner.

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In a previous post I had mentioned that I thought perhaps our 16 year age difference influences the way she responds to me. Yes, I am her partner and girlfriend but I thought that perhaps subconsciously she responded to me at times because I also represent a parental figure to her; a thought she vehemently rejected.

When he made his appearance she admitted that while I was speaking to her, she heard her parents in my voice. She heard me saying I was going to send her away although she knew and understood that wasn’t what I said.

The damage runs deep. The boy child is demanding his time.

2 thoughts on “The Broken and The Damned – Originally published 09/08/18

  1. I live for how well you allow Muse to be free when revealing past self hidden by the unknown. You provide the love Muse needed when she was a young boy. This is such an amazing story.

    Like

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